Oceans Apart
by SpyGirl1969
Summary: After Lee’s contact Khai fakes his own death to protect his family and prevent a terrorist massacre, Lee accepts an overseas assignment, leaving without saying goodbye to Amanda. She eventually realizes that she must get on with her life without him.
1. Chapter 1

Author: KimC

Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever owned, Scarecrow and Mrs. King. They belong exclusively to Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Productions.

Timeline: Season Four, after the events that occur in the episode, The Man Who Died Twice. Credit for any and all references to that episode goes to Sidney Hayers (Director) and Cynthia Benjamin (writer), according to IMDb.

Rating: M (not really, but leaving it to be safe)

Summary: A/U (does not follow canon). After Lee's Vietnamese contact, Khai, fakes his own death in order to protect his family and prevent a terrorist massacre, Lee accepts a lengthy overseas assignment, leaving without saying goodbye to Amanda. Confused and hurt, Amanda eventually realizes that she has to go on with her own life.

Author's Notes: As always, I would like to thank my extraordinary beta, without whose multi-faceted talents this story would not be half as good as it is. Thank you, my beta extraordinaire and friend.

**Oceans Apart**

_September, 1986_

Amanda King's hand trembled as she inserted her key into the lock of her fiancé's apartment door, still reeling from the unexpected revelation that Lee was gone. Ashen, she had sat listening as Mr. Melrose told her that Lee had accepted an overseas assignment and would be away for at least three months. She didn't know what she was doing here, or what she hoped she might find. All she knew was that she had to see for herself that he had really left.

Lee had left without saying a word to her, not even goodbye.

She knew that Lee had been as profoundly affected as she had by what had happened to Khai and his family when his son was kidnapped. They had discussed it extensively though, and she had thought that they'd worked things out. Everything he had been saying recently had led her to believe that he wanted to move forward with their relationship; he'd been talking about buying a house in Rockport and getting horses. There had been nothing at all in his manner to suggest cold feet or second thoughts.

Even after the case was over and Khai's family was safe and sound, Amanda could still hear Lee saying with conviction, "I _am_ going to marry you, Amanda King." Of course, he had gone on to add that it would have to be a 'mystery marriage'. Had that idea turned him off the whole thing completely? It hadn't seemed that way at the time, but maybe later, when he was alone, he'd had second thoughts. Maybe he had decided she wasn't worth the effort, she thought with a pang. As much as she knew that wasn't true, sometimes it was hard to wrap her mind around the change in his feelings for her from early on in their relationship.

Pushing open the door, she stood and glanced around, her throat aching with suppressed tears. Everything looked exactly the same as the last time she had been here, just a few nights ago. Lee had tried to persuade her to stay the night; time alone was a rarity that neither of them could get enough of. But she had her family to think of and had gone home around midnight. Besides that, they had not yet consummated their relationship, a step Lee was ready to take but Amanda was not.

A quick glance at the couch brought a rush of memories – the feel of his lips on hers, his hands in her hair, his body pressed firmly against her own. She could remember the feel of his heart beating against hers and the wonderful emotions it had evoked to know that she had such an effect on him. He had whispered over and over into her ear, his voice husky, that he loved her. His lips and hands had emphasized his tender words as they moved over her as if she were fragile, breakable.

Swallowing her tears, Amanda set down her purse and keys. She moved around the quiet apartment in a daze, as if by just being there, she would somehow get a feel for what Lee had been going though, for what had motivated him to leave for Europe without so much as a goodbye. On the coffee table was a wadded-uppiece of paper. Smoothing it out, she frowned.

'My Dearest Amanda,' she read. 'I'm so sorry to leave like this, without saying goodbye, but I simply can't—'

That was all it said. Can't what? Amanda stared at the words for several minutes and then scanned the table for other drafts, but found none. So he had attempted to write her a letter. She wished fervently that he had completed it. It would still have been disappointing that he hadn't explained things to her in person, of course, but it would have been better than nothing.

The day she found out he had left for England she had attempted to reach him. After Mr. Melrose had told her that Lee wasn't under contact zero, she had asked for a number where she could call him, and he had handed it over without a word. At home that evening, she had called Lee's hotel room and been informed by the concierge that he was 'out'. She had left a message, but Lee hadn't called her back.

Moving over to Lee's telephone, she went to pick up the handset when the phone rang, startling her. Hoping against hope that somehow, even from across the sea, their bond would still be in effect and by intuition Lee would know she was there in his apartment, she picked it up and answered.

"Hello?"

A long pause was followed by a feline, female voice saying, "Well, hello. May I speak to Lee Stetson?"

Amanda took a deep breath, tamping down her disappointment. "I'm sorry; he's not here right now." She didn't offer to take a message; Lee wouldn't be returning the call for months, if ever.

"What? Where is he?" the woman demanded, her voice relaying her sense of entitlement. "Who are _you_? And just what are you doing in his apartment?"

"I'm his fiancée," Amanda said before she could stop herself, annoyed at the woman's rudeness. "And who are _you_?"

Another long pause ensued, followed by a mocking chuckle. "His _fiancée_? Since when?"

Scowling at the phone, Amanda hung up on the uncouth woman and immediately picked the handset up again, dialing the long distance sequence she'd committed to memory. Not caring that it was two in the morning where Lee was, she asked to be connected to his room and listened as the phone rang several times. After a click, a polite voice returned and informed her that no one had answered in the room.

Amanda sighed, closing her eyes. "Would you please try again?"

The operator wordlessly obliged, letting the line ring several more times than before. If Lee werethere, he must know it was she who was calling, so why didn't he answer? Feeling defeated, Amanda left another message, adding that it was urgent she speak with him. Hanging up, she fought back tears.

She walked down the hall to Lee's bedroom. His bed was rumpled but didn't look slept in. It was more like he had packed with his suitcase on the bed; there were a few items

of clothing cast aside, and one drawer of his dresser stood partially open. He must have packed in a hurry, anxious to be away. Anxious to be away _from her_…

She cast her mind back once more to the recent conversations they'd had. Lee had been looking at houses, talking about getting a horse for the boys, playing softball on Sundays… and at every turn, she had implied that he was taking things too fast. Could he have thought that _she_ was having second thoughts? Had she given him any reason to think that _she_ wanted out? She didn't think so, but if he were feeling at all insecure, her comments couldn't have helped matters. It had taken him a long time to open up to her and must have made him feel vulnerable and exposed.

Guilt nearly overwhelmed her as she frowned, trying to remember exactly what she had said. Reluctantly, she admitted to herself that he could have taken her words the wrong way. For someone like Lee, who had been alone for so long, to open up and express excitement over their future married life was a big step. He had said those things to share his enthusiasm with her, and she had pretty much shot him down every time he opened his mouth.

_Was that why he left?_

Amanda felt her heart thumping in her chest at the thought that she could be to blame for his hasty escape. She sat down weakly on the edge of his bed, feeling a tear trickle down her cheek. If Lee had taken off because she had made him feel awkward about telling her the things he was looking forward to, she would never forgive herself. It was just that he'd been getting so far ahead of himself.

She had actually started feeling nervous about all the plans he was making. After all, their plans involved more than just the two of them and their feelings for each other. They needed to think about the boys and her mother as well. Moving to another area would involve uprooting the boys from school, make their commute to work longer, and affect so many other aspects of their lives as well. It had been overwhelming to contemplate.

Why, though, wouldn't he have talked to her if he felt she were backing away? All he had to do was ask her for some clarification. To just up and leave was crazy, no matter how you looked at it… wasn't it? With a sigh, she wished for the thousandth time that he had just come to her. Even to say he needed some space, some time to think, would have been better than this frustrating guessing game.

Here in Lee's bedroom, she could smell him as if he were still here – a combination of his spicy citrus aftershave and the shampoo he favored, mixed with his own masculine scent. It made her feel almost as if he _were_ there with her. She was still sitting there, on the side of the bed where he slept. Though it was still early, she laid down, smelling his pillow as fresh tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks.

Every conversation, every glance, every touch played through her mind as she sought the reasons he had failed to give her. Why had he run away? Was he seeking an escape from what he viewed as a confining relationship? She couldn't bring herself to believe it. His every word and action proved just the opposite. There was no doubt in Amanda's mind that Lee loved and desired her. So why had he left? Over and over the questions repeated themselves.

She cried until she was exhausted, clutching his pillow. Finally, she drifted off to sleep and dreamed about Lee, about the last evening they had spent together in his apartment, and how badly he had wanted her to stay. It had been a huge temptation for her. She knew that he wanted to move their physical relationship to the next level, but she had been holding back. Partly because of her desire to wait until they were married, and partly because of her fear that she wouldn't measure up; Lee had a lot of experience with a number of women. Without a complete explanation from her, Lee had sensed and respected her desire to wait.

She awoke with a start to find that it was after eight. She'd slept for nearly two hours! Sitting up in Lee's darkened bedroom, she blinked to clear the vestiges of sleep from her eyes. After a few minutes, she placed yet another call to his hotel, and again he didn't answer.

"Do you think he's out?" she asked tremulously. It was roughly eight hours ahead where Lee was; that meant it was now a little after four in the morning. It was highly unlikely that he was out anywhere. He was simply avoiding her. Unless… 'No,' she thought. He wouldn't be out with another woman so soon, would he? Her chest constricted at the possibility.

"I cannot say for sure, madam," the concierge she had spoken to the first time said with patience, "but it is _very_ early morning here; I cannot imagine that he is anywhere but in his room, sleeping." The gently reprimanding words confirmed what she herself had thought seconds ago.

"Well… Thank you for trying," she said, at a loss.

Hanging up, Amanda frowned, fighting the new wave of tears. Maybe if she wrote him a letter, it would be easier for him to respond in-kind, rather than over the phone where he would have to hear her voice and deal with her questions. After all, he had begun a letter to her before he left. She just wanted to know _why._ She needed to know if he still loved her and planned to come home to her. She would be content if she just knew those things. She would wait for him and give him all the time he needed, but she had to _know_.

In his bathroom, she picked up a clean robe that hung over his shower door. Holding it to her face, she inhaled deeply, again feeling closer to him. Replacing it, she looked into the mirror and sighed. With a tissue, she cleaned the dark smudges of mascara from under her eyes and turned out the light. She would go home and try to act as if nothing had happened; it would be difficult to explain away her melancholy to her mother and sons if they noticed it.

November, 1986

Amanda stood in the 'closet' elevator, the Agency's clever way of hiding the fact that an entire labyrinth of corridors and rooms existed underneath the elegant brick building bearing the moniker 'International Federal Film'. She'd enjoyed her weekend with her family but was ready to get back to work. Working was the only way she ever had a chance of keeping Lee Stetson off her mind for more than five minutes at a time.

Thinking of Lee, her heart sped up even now. His abrupt acceptance of an assignment in England had been a shock; she still couldn't quite accept it. She went over and over it in her mind until she wanted to scream. He hadn't even said goodbye or given her any warning, let alone an explanation. He was her_ fiancé_, and he had just up and left without a word. No matter how hard she tried, Amanda was not able to get past it.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized that Lee had been brooding and unusually short with her after the situation with his friend Khai had been resolved. Even though they had discussed their own situation at length, he had given off subtle clues that he was still bothered by the whole ordeal. At first, she'd thought that she had been as rattled by events as he had… only it was quite clear now that he had taken it far worse than she.

Still, for him to leave without even telling her, without explaining, and without saying goodbye was just_ inexcusable_. Her grief had eventually changed to resentment and then anger. For weeks she had waited for a phone call, a letter… some kind of apology for running away. She had wanted reassurance that he still loved her but had some things to work out. She would have still been upset, but she would have understood. But now… after two whole months, she hadn't heard anything at all from him, and she was livid. After several phone calls and two letters, she had stopped trying to reach him, feeling both rejected and foolish.

Reaching the desired floor, Amanda stepped lightly out between the elevator's gleaming sliding doors. Francine Desmond was hurrying by. With no greeting of any kind she said distractedly, "Oh, there you are, Amanda. Billy's looking for you," and continued on her way, her heels clacking noisily against the linoleum floor.

With a shake of her head, Amanda headed through the buzzing Bullpen to Billy Melrose's office. Thinking of Francine, she wondered if not saying hello and utilizing other common courtesies was a prerequisite for becoming a full-fledged agent. Mr. Melrose's door was closed when she arrived, so she waited. Just as she was about to go and fix herself a cup of coffee, the door to her boss's office opened and he beckoned to her. She hurried over and stepped into his office and greeted him.

"Good morning, Amanda," her boss said, his expressive brown eyes serious. "Thank you for coming down; I need to talk to you for a moment. Please close the door."

Amanda did as he asked and turned to face him. Noting the look on Mr. Melrose's face, she felt a knot of dread settle in her stomach. It was the look he always had when he had to say something he'd rather not.

"Amanda," he said with a loud sigh. "I heard from Lee this morning. MI-6 is finding Lee's assistance invaluable and the director has requested that he stay on longer, and… well, Lee has agreed. I'm not sure when he'll be back… it could be another three or four months, maybe even longer."

Feeling as if the room were spinning, she dropped into a chair. "I see," she replied faintly. "Three months or more… I… Did he… What about his apartment, Sir? All of his things… I don't…" she asked inanely, trying desperately to hide her acute disappointment and hurt by focusing on the practical ramifications his sustained absence impacted. "Won't he… I mean, what will happen…"

Mr. Melrose nodded, his face sympathetic. "The Agency is taking care of it," he explained quietly. "Because it's an official request and he's agreed, we're picking up the tab, paying in advance. We _will_ temporarily suspend his vehicle insurance, however…" He trailed off and after a moment he said gently, "Are you all right, Amanda?"

She straightened, embarrassed that he had seen how affected she was by the stunning news. "Of course I am, Sir. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Thank you for letting me know."

He nodded, still watching her closely. "Of course."

Before she could stop herself, she asked, "Is Lee… I mean, is he under zero contact now? Is he somehow unable to call or send word to anyone but you? Or…"

Her boss looked at her with something akin to pity, and she fought to control her features as he shook his head slowly. "Uh… No. No, he's not."

"I see." Amanda swallowed hard. Standing, she smoothed her skirt. Giving her boss a nod and a falsely bright smile, she turned and left the office, nearly colliding into Francine on her way out. The blonde opened her mouth to complain and then closed it again.

"Amanda? Are you all right?" she asked, her perfect eyebrows knitting in concern.

Giving the other woman a forced smile, Amanda nodded. "Yes, thank you, Francine. I have a bit of a headache this morning."

"Ooh, understood," Francine said with feeling. "Do you need some aspirin or anything?"

Moving away, Amanda shook her head. She just needed to be alone for a few minutes. "No, thanks, but I appreciate the offer," she replied, and turned to head across the Bullpen and away from inquisitive eyes. Right now, kindness, even from Francine, was not something she felt capable of handling.

Upstairs in the Q-Bureau, Amanda shakily unfastened the long chain that carried her engagement ring from around her neck. She'd worn it every day since Lee had given it to her, hidden under her clothes but close to her heart. Slipping the ring off the chain, she stared at it for a long moment, remembering the day he had given it to her in this very office. Then, shaking off the memory, she moved over to her desk, unlocked the top drawer and pulled out a black velvet box. Placing the ring inside, she closed it and then slipped it inside her purse. It was too painful to continue wearing it, especially when it had lost its meaning.

Amanda blinked back hot tears. She reviewed the facts in her mind for the thousandth time. Two months. It had been two months since Lee had left without a word, running away from their relationship, running away from her. He'd offered no explanation or apology. He hadn't called, even once, nor had he sent as much as a postcard. And now he was going to stay away, for another three months or longer.

She had tried calling several times in the first few weeks he was gone; she had even written him letters. If he had wanted to contact her, he would have done so. She was much easier to reach than he was – she was his partner; he could have even called her here at the Agency! Without an explanation from him, all she had to go on was his silence. She nodded to herself. He had given her every reason to believe he wanted to break things off, so break things off they would.

It was time she realized and accepted that it was his way of letting her know it was over between them. The last thing she wanted to do was move on without Lee Stetson. However, he'd left her no choice but to do just that.

December, 1986

Amanda grabbed the last two bags of groceries from the back of her car and closed the door. It was a warm Saturday for winter. She smiled as she went into the house, setting the bags down on the counter.

The house was eerily quiet, but it wouldn't be for long. Her mother was out for the weekend, no doubt having a ball with Captain Kurt. The boys, however, would be home any minute, clamoring for dinner. Thankfully, they were getting a ride from their friend Sam's father, Jack. Jack had lost his wife, Sarah, to cancer two years ago. He had been absolutely devoted to her and had taken the loss hard. Now, he was considered the most eligible bachelor on the PTA.

The thought of Jack brought another smile to Amanda's face. He was such a nice man, and the boys both got along really well with Sam. Even though he was Phillip's age, he was always willing to include Jamie, which had caused Phillip to spend more time with his younger brother.

Jack had been particularly attentive to Amanda lately, but he seemed to sense her reticence and to respect it. Maybe it was time she really moved on. She had accepted Lee's withdrawal from her life when she put her engagement ring in its box, but she hadn't yet been out on a date with another man. Without real, face-to-face closure, she felt as if she were being unfaithful to Lee.

Excited voices from the front of the house caused her to put down the jar of peanut butter she'd pulled from a grocery bag. Moving into the foyer, she smiled as she saw Phillip and Jamie already disappearing with Sam up the stairs. Jack gave her a grin and a small wave.

"Hey, Amanda," he said softly in his characteristic greeting for her.

"Hi, Jack."

He moved forward, glancing up the stairs. "You're sure you don't mind Sam spending the night?"

"Not at all," she replied, noting that he was looking particularly handsome. "Sam's a great kid, and the boys have been looking forward to it all week. They're having hot dogs for dinner."

Jack grinned again, chuckling. "Well, they had hamburgers and fries for lunch, so that should tide them over for a couple of hours, anyway."

"Oh, let me give you some money for Phillip and Jamie's lunch," she said, moving to get her purse. "I didn't think to send any cash with them--"

A gentle hand on her wrist stopped her. "It was on me," Jack said.

"You don't have to do that," she said, realizing that he hadn't let go of her yet. "But thank you very much."

"My pleasure," he replied. "Amanda…"

Something in his tone sent chills down her spine. He had sounded very much like Lee just then. "Yeah?"

"I was wondering… Would you like to go to dinner with me some time?" he asked, looking vulnerable, ready to be turned down.

Amanda sighed. She still loved Lee Stetson. He had made it clear that he no longer loved her, or if he did, that he didn't plan to do anything about it. At the same time, dating a man like Jack could have repercussions. The boys liked him and Sam a lot. If things didn't work out between her and Jack, the results could be devastating to all of them. She realized that this was a tacit acknowledgement to herself that she was still holding out a shred of hope that Lee would come back and make things okay again. Her internal battle lasted only a few seconds.

Regretfully, she said, "I'm sorry, Jack. I really do like you. It's just that… I don't think it's a good idea. I… I recently went through a break-up with someone, and I'm really not ready to move on yet."

He nodded, smiling slightly. "I understand. You're probably right. I still… I still miss Sarah."

"She was a wonderful person," Amanda replied softly. "And remember, Jack, she didn't choose to leave you. She loved you and Sam so much."

Jack gave her a sad smile. "Thanks, Amanda. She sure liked you. And, for what it's worth, I think she would approve. If, that is, you ever change your mind."

All that night, after the boys finally settled down and fell asleep, Amanda couldn't stop thinking about Lee. She felt as if she were betraying him, cheating on him, by even having _considered_ going out with Jack, which was ridiculous because Lee hadn't even called her in three months. There was no relationship left between them, so she had no reason to feel guilty. Still, she knew she had made the right decision about Jack. He was too nice of a person to risk hurting.

Maybe she would go back to Lee's apartment tomorrow afternoon. She had felt so close to Lee the first time she had gone there, after he had left for England. Would she feel that same connection if she went there again? If nothing else, she could make sure everything was okay, and maybe even gain some sense of closure. After making her decision, she was finally able to fall asleep.

The next afternoon, Amanda let herself into Lee's apartment. Stepping inside, it felt cold and empty, even though it hadn't changed at all in the months since she'd been here. Memories of her time spent here with Lee were growing dim and vague, the effect having a far less powerful impact on her this time. Or maybe she was simply falling out of love with him, bit by bit. _Maybe._

She headed into his bedroom, the ring box held firmly in her right hand. Sitting down on the bed, she picked up his pillow, barely registering the fact that traces of her mascara stained the fabric. No hint of Lee remained other than his possessions; it was an odd sensation. She felt so detached, so far removed from him that it was rather frightening. How would she feel when and if he returned? She wanted to be able to look at him dispassionately, coolly. She wanted to show him that if he could walk away, so could she. Maybe that would be possible, if this trip to his home were any indication.

She ran her fingers over the black velvet box in her hand. Resisting the temptation to lift the lid and gaze at the ring, as she had several times in the last month, she set it down squarely in the middle of his dresser where he wouldn't be able miss it. Momentary regret twisted at her insides, but she straightened her back and walked away from the tiny box.

In the bathroom, she picked up Lee's aftershave. Unscrewing the top, she sniffed at the familiar fragrance, but it too left her cold. Without being mingled with Lee's own masculine scent, it did little to bring him back. Leaving the bathroom, she stood in his bedroom again, wondering why she was even attempting to reconnect with him. She thought for a long moment, but concluded that it was just something she felt a need to do. Moving over to his closet, she opened it and removed a shirt from the hanger. Holding it up to her face, she closed her eyes and breathed in through her nose, but it held no memory of him either. Too much time had passed, and besides, his things had probably all been laundered before being hung up.

Back in the living room, she looked again at the note he had begun, but it told her so very little. She wished he had finished it. Even if all he had said was that he didn't want to see her any longer or had gotten cold feet thinking about marriage, it would have helped to a degree. At his desk, she looked around a bit more thoroughly than the last time. In a top drawer, she found an envelope with her name on it. Inside were several snapshots, some of her alone and some of the two of them together. So he hadn't even taken her pictures with him…

Amanda frowned as she replaced the packet of photos, but she didn't cry. It seemed as though she was out of tears for Lee Stetson, and that was a good thing… wasn't it? It meant that she was ready to move on, just as he had been months before. When and if Lee returned, she would not be affected by the sight of him. 'Right,' a little voice inside her head replied impishly. 'Just keep telling yourself that.'


	2. Chapter 2

February, 1987

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" a familiar voice asked, causing Amanda to turn around quickly.

She smiled in delight and surprise. "Oh my gosh, Alan Chamberlain! How are you?"

He leaned in, kissing her cheek. "I'm just great, now. What a coincidence running into you! Are you free to grab a cup of coffee? Or even lunch?"

Amanda considered briefly; there wasn't any harm in eating with the man. She remembered the spark that she'd felt between them the last time he had been in the States. She also remembered Lee's jealousy and his subsequent covert request for a date at the Kennedy Center. It had, in a subtle way, been the beginning of the change in their relationship. Mentally shaking off the memory, she smiled and nodded.

"That would be lovely," she said honestly. "I'm just picking up a prescription for my mother. It shouldn't take more than five minutes."

Alan grinned. "Wonderful. I just need to pick up some toiletries, and that won't take long either. I never pack that kind of stuff when I travel; I just buy them when I get to my destination."

"Shall I meet you at the front of the store then?" she asked.

He nodded, winking. "I'll be waiting."

Later that evening, Amanda found herself thinking about Alan, rather than Lee. It was a refreshing change, and she was glad of the distraction. Not that Alan was a mere distraction, she assured herself. He was a handsome, well-mannered and intelligent man whose company she enjoyed immensely. It really was time to move on, and maybe Alan would be able to help her.

Lunch had been very enjoyable. Alan told her that he was on an extended vacation and thinking of moving to the States. His sister had gotten married a few months back, and he was in the mood for a change. He had indicated, very subtly, that he had hoped to see Amanda again.

"So, you see, it was serendipitous that we ran into one another at a pharmacy," he joked.

She had laughed. "It seems so."

That had been January, and now they had been seeing each other for nearly a month. Alan was a wonderful man… he was considerate, complimentary, and always deferred to Amanda's opinions and preferences. Her mother loved what she had seen of him, as she did every man Amanda dated, and encouraged her to have him over for a family dinner. She had held off on letting her mother and sons get to know him too well. Any time her mind began to analyze the reasons why, she hastily shoved the thought aside.

At least she had stopped crying over Lee. For the first couple of months, she had cried every night without fail. It still bothered her, but only because it was like an unsolved mystery. She missed his friendship as much as their romantic relationship. She wondered if Lee would ever come home, and sometimes thought it would be best if he didn't. Perhaps he had fallen in love with someone new in England. The possibility caused a stab of jealousy, but she dismissed it. It was ridiculous to feel jealous over a man whom she no longer had any claim on.

Once in a while, Amanda considered going back to Lee's apartment, but she would always shrug it off. There was no reason to go there now; all traces of Lee had been erased by time, and the furniture and personal effects had sat for so long with no occupant that they could have belonged to anyone.

Her thoughts occasionally strayed to the diamond ring sitting on Lee's dresser waiting to be found when he returned. It was best that it remain there. If he did return, he would think her presumptuous if he found her still wearing it. He would probably be relieved to see it there, glad to know she had accepted the situation. His seeing the ring on his dresser would be a statement on its own; she understood and agreed with his decision: it was over between them.

It surprised her that she hadn't left the Agency. At first, she had felt sure that she could never continue working there without Lee. But she had easily settled into a new routine. She still worked in the Q-Bureau, and Mr. Melrose assigned agents to work there on a rotating schedule. So sometimes she worked with Francine, sometimes with Fred Fielder, and sometimes with other agents.It was actually refreshing to work with different people, or so Amanda told herself. She found that she and Francine actually worked very well together; even Francine grudgingly admitted it.

The only difficulty would be upon Lee's return. She knew she didn't want to work with him anymore. If she found out he was coming back, she would need to speak with Mr. Melrose, and try to explain without revealing the extent of their past relationship. At least she wouldn't have to worry about an argument from Lee. If he no longer wanted to marry her, he definitely wouldn't want to go back to working with her. At times, Amanda was hit full force with her loss – lover, friend, partner. But it was Lee's choice, and she had no say in the matter.

If he came back, it would naturally be awkward at first, but perhaps in time they would be able to see one another without strain. She would take her cue from him. If he ignored her, she would ignore him. If he greeted her as nothing more than a co-worker, she would reply coolly and excuse herself. She felt confident that after all this time, she could handle seeing him again.

March, 1987

Amanda shivered and struggled weakly against her restraints. One moment she was walking down the street with Francine and the next she was grabbed and shoved into a van. Someone – a man – had been asking her repeated questions about the Agency and about Scarecrow. He had injected her with something that was making her feel terribly sick and then he had argued loudly with an angry woman about an overdose – had they been talking about her? All the shouting had given her a headache, and then, as far as she knew, she had passed out.

The room she was in was dark, damp, and cold. Her mouth was so dry that she couldn't swallow, and it was difficult to breathe. Not only was a gag stuffed into her mouth, but she felt as if she were having what she imagined an asthma attack to be like. Her lungs burned, and it was hard to fill them with air. When she did, she coughed, which the gag made difficult.

She wondered if they had left or if they were coming back to finish her off. Was she going to die? What had they given her? The ropes that held her to the chair she sat on didn't seem that strong, but she was unable to move her fingers enough to manipulate them. She felt weak and exhausted, and everything she did took great effort. It was as though her blood has slowed its journey through her veins; everything she did took phenomenal effort.

Amanda remembered that Francine had shouted and chased after the van; she had heard the shots as she tried to blow out a tire. At least Francine knew she was gone and perhaps she had even gotten the license plate number of the van. She and Mr. Melrose would be working to find Amanda.

It was so ironic; Lee had been so concerned that their relationship would pose a threat to Amanda and her family, and yet he had been gone for nearly half a year, and here she was, tied up and drugged in some freezing, dark room. But then, Lee had other reasons for leaving, too, he must have had.

Alan was picking her up for dinner at seven; had anyone noticed yet that she was missing? What time was it now? There weren't any windows in the room so it was impossible to tell. As far as she remembered, it was around four o'clock when she was grabbed. She felt as though hours had gone by, but it was possible it hadn't been so long. She didn't feel hungry, so maybe less time had passed than she thought. Then again, the drug they'd given her might be affecting her appetite.

Amanda felt her heart beating rapidly against her rib cage and started to feel faint. She tried not to panic. Her eyes began to blur the way they did whenever she ran a high fever. As nausea rolled over her in waves, she tried not to think about the tuna sandwich she had eaten for lunch. If she vomited with a gag in her mouth, she would drown in a most unpleasant way.

The last thing Amanda heard was the sound of footsteps on the stairs outside the room. She had no idea if her captors were returning or if it were someone else. Strangely, she didn't care. Overcome by exhaustion, she felt herself falling off the chair, but was unconscious by the time she hit the concrete floor.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

Lee Stetson rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath as he sat up in the semi-darkness. He had left a small desk lamp on in the corner, but aside from that there was no light. Glancing around his small studio flat, he was struck again at how easily he had settled into a completely new life. Work kept him busy; he volunteered for everything his MI-6 supervisor would allow him to. He looked at the clock and was surprised to see that it was two in the morning.

An odd sense of foreboding weighed heavily upon him, and he wondered if he had forgotten something important. Thinking back over the day, he couldn't find anything amiss, so he attempted to shrug off the unpleasant sensation. He knew something was wrong though; he could feel it.

Lately he'd been having more and more trouble sleeping. Today he had finally broken down and opened up to Emily Farnsworth over lunch. Ever since he had arrived in England, he had thrown himself into work during the day, too exhausted at night to think very much about what he had done. When he did think about it, and about the woman he loved and had left, he pushed it away angrily, neither ready nor able to deal with it.

He would never forget the look of extreme disappointment on Emily's face as he told her everything from his stealthy departure from the States without so much as a goodbye to Amanda, to his avoiding her phone calls and letters.

"Lee, my boy," she had said, her eyes sad and her voice full of reproach. "How could you do that to Amanda? She's such a lovely girl. She deserves much better."

He had nodded, looking down at his flatware, ashamed. "I know that. That's why I'm thinking it would be better if I never went back."

Clucking her tongue, she had slapped his hand. "Not better than _you_, Lee, better than how you treated her, is what I meant!"

"I know that, too," Lee confessed with a sigh. "I just… I don't know. Everything hit me all at once. The potential danger to Amanda and her family… the way she shut me down every time I tried to talk about our future together… even the idea of a mystery marriage. I started thinking we were making a huge mistake, and I just had to get away. After that, I couldn't face her. The more time that went on, the easier it became to… ignore the whole situation."

"But you haven't avoided anything, have you?" she asked wisely. "You've only put it off, postponed it. You simply cannot leave her hanging this way, Lee. After all these months, she deserves an explanation. She deserves to know if you still love her and if you plan on trying to patch things up… that is,_ if_ she even wants to. You _do_ still love her, don't you?"

Lee licked his lips, feeling ill. He reached for his water glass. "Of course I do. I love her more than ever. I… I miss her like crazy. Lately, I can't sleep for thinking about her. But Emily, there's no way she would ever take me back. Not after what I did. I don't deserve her, not even as a friend."

Emily tilted her head to one side, setting down the biscuit she'd been nibbling on. "Well. That may very well be the case, and if it is, you'll have to accept it. As tolerant as Amanda is, I'm sure that even she has her limits. I mean, after all this time, what do you expect her to think? She's going to take your silence as a withdrawal, a rejection. But you still owe her an apology and an explanation, whether she wants you back or not."

Lee nodded miserably, dreading the prospect. "I can't imagine seeing her. What would I say? How would I even begin to make amends for what I've done? Emily, I've never felt about any woman the way I feel about Amanda. It's killing me, being away from her."

"Then you should go to her," Emily said simply. "She needs to hear you say those words. You belong in the States, Lee. You have a life there. You've wasted too much time hiding here."

He winced at her bluntness. "I know. I just… I don't know if I'm ready to go back yet. I don't know what to do. I can't call her after all this time, it just wouldn't be enough. But what if I go back and she's moved on? What if there's… what if there's someone else in her life?"

"I can't tell you what to do, my boy," Emily said gently, placing her hand over his. "You've gotten yourself into this and you're going to have to find a way out. I think you know what you need to do and what you want to do. If Amanda has found someone new, then you must let her go. But you need to set things to rights with her, or you'll never forgive yourself, and neither will she. I saw you two together, Lee. Even though it was long before either of you fell in love with the other, I knew there was something special… a bond… between you. You have to honor that."

Lee stood now and stretched, the emptiness of his apartment making him feel lonely. The feeling that something was wrong was becoming stronger, and he realized that he'd been experiencing it for at least the last couple of hours, to varying degrees. He was sure there was nothing he had forgotten to take care of. His wallet and keys were on the coffee table, and he knew he had locked his car.

His thoughts returned once again to his conversation with Emily and her insistence that he and Amanda shared a special bond. Picking up a picture of her that he kept by his bedside he felt the familiar tug at his heart as he stared at her face. With a pang, the irksome niggling feeling became a knot of dread in the pit of his stomach. In that instant, he knew that whatever was wrong had something to do with Amanda.

Not wasting any time wondering _how_ he knew, he reached for the phone. Placing a call to the Agency, he asked for the Q-Bureau, but the phone line just rang and rang. When the operator picked back up and asked if he wished to leave a message for Mrs. King, he declined and asked to talk to Billy instead.

"Melrose here," came the tense greeting.

"Billy, it's Lee. I wanted to call and let you know that I'll be coming home for good as soon as I can arrange it. Is everything okay there?" Lee closed his eyes and waited for Billy to answer, just knowing he would have bad news.

A stunned pause, followed by, "I'm glad you're coming home, Lee. What's wrong with you? What happened to make you change your mind?"

Lee frowned at the evasive questions. "What do you mean? Nothing's wrong with _me;_ I'm just ready to come home. How are things there? Everyone all right?"

Another long few seconds passed. "Yes," Billy answered, sounding perplexed. "Lee, are you sure everything is all right there? Oh, wait a minute, I have another call."

The silence on the phone line was enough to drive Lee to distraction. Why wasn't Billy telling him what was wrong? He had to find a way to get back to D.C. immediately. Every passing second made it more and more imperative. He repeatedly ran his hand through his hair as he paced back and forth, as much as the cord would allow. Finally his boss came back on the line.

"Lee? That was Francine," Billy said slowly. Exhaling, he went on. "It's probably a good idea for you to come home as soon as you can."

Lee's blood ran cold. Here it comes, he thought. "Why? What's wrong? Tell me, Billy."

"Lee… It's Amanda. She and Francine were working a case this afternoon. Amanda was grabbed and shoved into a van. Francine chased after it but was unable to stop it," he said. "We've had a team out searching ever since. That was Francine on the other line just now. They've found Amanda."

Swallowing hard over the lump of cold, hard fear lodged in his throat, Lee said thickly, "And?"

Billy sighed audibly. "It's not looking good. Francine said the EMT's just put Amanda in the ambulance. There were two empty vials that appear to have contained chloral hydrate. The dosage was far too high, if they gave it all to her at once, which it appears they did. She's completely non-responsive. Her body temperature is very low and her breathing is erratic. It's possible she's in anaphylactic shock. She's being transported to Galilee General right now."

Lee felt bile rising in his throat. He said hoarsely, "I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up without waiting for a response. He stood stock still for several seconds until he was jolted into action. Picking up the phone, he put a call in to MI-6, telling them he was going home early and requesting that they arrange an emergency flight for him immediately. He would worry about justifying the request – and the expense – later. Moving over to his closet, he hastily packed his suitcase, throwing articles in haphazardly.

Two hours later he boarded a plane bound for D.C. Leaning back in his seat, he requested a Scotch on the rocks, hoping it would calm his jittery nerves. Staring out the window, he willed the plane to move faster through the air. The irony of the situation hadn't escaped him. He had left, in part, to keep Amanda safe, and yet she lay clinging to life and he was miles away, an ocean between them. Sighing, he sipped his drink, wondering again how he had known something was wrong with Amanda.

If he hadn't left, she wouldn't be in this situation. She wouldn't have even been working with Francine instead of him. Not that he blamed Francine. No, he blamed himself and no one else. Downing the last of his drink, Lee closed his eyes, knowing he would never sleep.

When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to find that not only had he slept, but he had slept for nearly three hours. The elderly woman who sat next to him knitting a pink and white baby blanket smiled up at him as he yawned and stretched as much as he could in the confines of the airplane seat.

"Did you have a nice sleep?" she asked him as if he were five.

He gave her a distracted smile. "Uh, yeah. Thanks."

"She must be a very special girl," she went on, grinning to herself as her needles clacked rhythmically together. "You must love her a lot."

Confused, Lee frowned. "Who?"

"A-man-da," she answered, sounding the name out slowly. "You kept murmuring her name over and over in your sleep. Is she your wife?"

He looked away and said, almost under his breath, "She should be."

Finally, after what seemed like days later, the plane landed at Dulles International Airport. Having not called ahead to the Agency, Lee rented a car after claiming his luggage. Soon he was on his way to Amanda, nervous about seeing her again after all this time, but knowing that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her before he saw her again.

On the way to Galilee General, he went over everything once again in his mind, knowing that he had made several mistakes in the last six months. He wanted to at least apologize, but he had no idea if Amanda was even conscious yet. Arriving at the hospital, he parked the car and rushed into the lobby, looking around for a familiar face. Spotting Francine, he hurried over to her. She stood to embrace him.

"Welcome home, Lee," she said wearily. "I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever see you again. I should have known that this would bring you back."

"How is she?" he asked directly, noting how exhausted and worried Francine looked.

She grimaced. "Not good, Lee. I feel so guilty. We were just walking down the street, talking, and suddenly Amanda was grabbed and shoved into a van that pulled up alongside the curb. I didn't even have time to _think_ of reacting… Everything happened so quickly."

"Hey," he admonished softly, placing his hands on her elbows. "Don't blame yourself. I know it's how you feel, but it's not true. And it's not going to do any good. For Amanda or for you."

Francine nodded, not looking convinced. "I know, Lee. It's just that… If something happens to her…"

"It won't," he assured her firmly. 'It can't,' he added mentally. She _had_ to be okay. He had some serious groveling to do, if she would let him. "It won't," he repeated.

Francine looked him in the eye. "I don't know; she's… she's in pretty bad shape. Mrs. West and Alan are with her right now, but they're only letting visitors stay for –"

"Mrs. West and who?" Lee asked, frowning. Amanda's mother he could understand, had even expected. But who was this Alan, and how did _he_ get to go in to see Amanda?

Francine's eyes widened. "Oh, um… Alan, yeah. Well, it's… it's actually Alan Chamberlain, Lee," she said, almost apologetically. "You, uh, remember his sister was abducted a while back? Amanda did surveillance on him and they sort of hit it off then. Well, he's back, and they've been seeing each other for about a month now."

Lee felt as if he had been punched in the gut. He tried desperately to assimilate the information Francine was giving him without letting her see how affected he was by the news. She knew he and Amanda had grown closer before he left, but she didn't know quite how serious things had become. There was no need to let her in on it now. She already looked as though she felt sorry for him. Chamberlain… that artsy, head-in-the-clouds guy Amanda had called 'dull as a stick'.

"Are you okay, Lee?" Francine asked, watching him closely, knowingly. With her next words, she generously gave him an out. "I'm sure you have jet lag, after the long flight."

He nodded, casting an equally significant look at her. She had guessed that Amanda meant more to him than he was letting on, but being the friend she was, she wasn't going to force the issue just now. "Jet lag, yeah. Hey, I can see Amanda's mother being here, but why are they allowing non-family back there?"

"You should be glad they are; _you're_ not family," she observed, haplessly cutting him to the quick despite her earlier astuteness. "They're hoping that friendly, familiar voices will help Amanda come out of her non-responsive state. They're not calling it a coma… yet. But it's very serious. So far, though, none of her vitals has changed since they brought her in."

He swallowed hard as a lump of fear formed in his throat. "How long have her mother and Chamberlain been in there?" he asked, saying the other man's name through gritted teeth. Just how close was Amanda to that clown, anyway? Sixmonths ago, she was _his_ fiancée!

Francine glanced at her watch. "Quite a while, actually," she said, surprise in her voice. "Unless they went downstairs the back way and I missed seeing them leave. They went in about two hours ago."

As she spoke, a young man in scrubs came over. "Ms. Desmond? Mrs. King's mother and the gentleman with her left about an hour ago. If you wanted to see her again, the doctor said she could have another visitor now."

Francine turned to Lee. "Why don't you go on ahead? I'd go with you, but frankly, I'm exhausted. I need to run home and take a shower. I'll come back in a bit so you can go home – you'll want to sleep for a good ten hours, I'm sure." To the intern, she said, "This is Mr. Stetson, Mrs. King's partner. He'll see her now."

Grateful that he would have time alone with Amanda, he nodded. "You go on home and get some rest, Francine. I, uh… I'm tired, but I probably won't go home until later."

She gave him a look of mild surprise. "Okay," was all she said. Patting him on the arm, she smiled and turned toward the door. "Just don't overtax yourself, Lee, you must be more tired than you're letting on. If… if Amanda does wake up, tell her I'm sorry."

He nodded. If anyone had apologizing to do, it was him. Turning to the young intern, he nodded again, and followed him through the swinging double doors to the Intensive Care Unit. His insides were churning as they walked to the far end of the corridor and stopped outside a door.

"Here's her room," the intern said quietly. "Mr. Melrose arranged for a private room. Feel free to talk to Mrs. King. The doctors think it might help. If she can hear anything at all, a friendly voice might be just what she needs."

Lee smiled his thanks, his throat too tight and dry to answer. Standing outside Amanda's door, he took a deep breath before pushing inside. She was lying on her side, the covers up to her chest with her arms at her sides. Tubes were going in and out of her mouth and nose, and an IV line was affixed to the back of one pale, slim hand.

A doctor stood at Amanda's bedside, looking serious as he flipped through pages and made notations on a clipboard. He glanced up as Lee stood in the doorway and motioned him forward. "Hello, I'm Doctor Savage. I think I recognize you."

"Lee Stetson," he said, shaking the doctor's hand. "I'm Amanda King's partner… Or I was, up to about six months ago. I've been out of the country."

The doctor brightened. "Well, welcome home. I'm sorry it's under such difficult circumstances. Perhaps Mrs. King will perk up on hearing your voice. I'm sure she's missed you, if you two work together."

Lee refrained from comment, but said, "What's the diagnosis?"

"Well, from what I can tell, she was given an overdose of chloral hydrate, and in addition she has a rare allergy to the stuff. Signs of overdose can include extreme weakness, confusion, seizures, extreme drowsiness, low body temperature, staggering, changes in heart rate, and breathing problems," the doctor said, warming to the topic. "Serious side effects of chloral hydrate use include skin rash or hives, which Mrs. King does exhibit on her torso and legs. Even more rare side effects include confusion, hallucination, and excessive excitement, but as she hasn't been awake, we don't know if those will apply in this case. Less serious but more common side effects of chloral hydrate use include nausea, stomach pain, vomiting, and lightheadedness."

"Will she be all right?" Lee asked, hearing the tremor in his voice.

"It's early stages yet," Doctor Savage said cautiously, "but such cases are rarely fatal. I'd like to see an improvement in her vitals though. The combination of overdose and anaphylactic shock due to allergy concerns me. There could be serious repercussions. I'll know more tomorrow, after more time has passed."

Lee nodded and thanked the doctor as he headed out of the room. Filled with emotion, he moved forward slowly, unable to take his eyes off the still figure in the bed. Her face was pale and devoid of makeup, causing her to appear young and vulnerable. Her hair, darker and longer than it had been six months ago, was brushed back from her forehead. The machines monitoring her vital signs beeped a slow yet steady tattoo in the silence of the room.

Lee's chest felt tight and heavy; he felt like he might cry. Even as he had the thought, he felt his eyes sting with tears. Taking a deep breath, he stepped closer to the bed and reached out, tentatively taking Amanda's hand in his own. It felt cold and still.

"Hey," he said, his voice gruff with emotion. "It's me. I'm home… I don't know if you'll think that's good news or bad news. I have a lot to tell you… Mainly, I need to apologize and explain, and I hope you'll hear me out. I don't know if you can hear me right now or not, but I came home as soon as… as soon as I heard what had happened. I'm so sorry, Amanda."

The beeping had grown steadily quicker, and Lee glanced up in surprise to see the digital numbers on the various machines fluctuating. Licking his lips, he looked down into Amanda's face, but there had been no change; she was still unconscious. He stroked her hand, surprised when the blip sped up yet again. It was ridiculous to feel so hopeful; after all, she wasn't even awake, wasn't _really _even aware that he was in the room. And yet, on some level, Amanda was glad he was there, or some part of her was.

A red-headed nurse entered the room and walked over, giving Lee a warm smile. "Hi," she said. "I'm Marnie and I just need to check… What? Wow, look at that," she murmured, picking up the chart at the foot of the bed and studying it, flipping through several pages and comparing readings to what the monitors currently displayed. She took Amanda's wrist and glanced down at her watch while she took the pulse, then smiled again. "This is very good news. I need to go get Doctor Savage. You stay right here, and keep talking to Mrs. King, all right?"

"No problem," he agreed. To Amanda, he whispered, "I know you won't be quite so happy to see me when you're awake, but for right now, this is good, Amanda. Keep fighting. You can do this."

About an hour later, after the doctor had professed cautiously optimistic amazement at Amanda's improvement, Dotty showed back up at the hospital, so Lee quietly left. Since he knew she would stay with her daughter for a while, he decided to go on home and catch some sleep, if possible.

Once he arrived home, he let himself into his apartment, dragging his suitcase behind him. He was exhausted and emotionally drained. Seeing Amanda in such fragile condition had really rattled him, but her response to his nearness was heartening, even though she hadn't been conscious.

He checked his telephone messages; there were only a few, and a couple of those were from old girlfriends who didn't know he was now 'off the market'.He deleted them without listening all the way through. Everyone who mattered in his life had known that he was away.

Regardless, whether Amanda took him back or not, he wouldn't be calling any of his former flames for a weekend away or one-night stand. That part of his life was over for good. His eyes were drawn to the coffee table and he spotted the note he had begun for Amanda. He knew he had left it crumpled in a ball because he had tortured himself over it for an hour before giving up in frustration. Now it lay in the center of the table, smoothed out. Amanda, no doubt, had been here and found it.

Turning the bedroom light on, he stashed his suitcase against the wall to deal with it later. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he was pulling off his shoes and socks when he glanced toward the head of the bed. He frowned. His pillowcase was smudged with something black. Picking it up, he saw that it was mascara. He swallowed hard. Amanda had come here, looking for answers, and had cried into his pillow, lying on his bed. He silently berated himself for putting her through such an ordeal.

Feeling lower than ever, he unbuttoned his shirt as he headed over to the dresser. He stopped cold at the sight of a small, black velvet box sitting right in the middle. With a trembling hand, he reached out and picked it up. He opened it and saw Amanda's engagement ring winking at him against the midnight background. It shouldn't have been such a shock, but it was. He had been completely unprepared for the painful jolt it gave his heart.

Lee stared at the ring for a long moment, nodding slowly to himself. His hand was still shaking when he closed the box back up and set it down precisely where Amanda had left it. He felt a strangled cry fighting to escape his throat, and when it finally did, it was more of a gulping sob. Sinking to his knees, Lee began to cry. He hadn't cried when Eric died. He had allowed himself a few silent tears upon losing Dorothy. But this… this silent statement, this tacit acknowledgement of Amanda honoring his apparent wishes was too much to bear. What had he done?

When Lee woke up, he found himself, not in bed, but on the floor of his bedroom in front of his dresser. Rising first to his knees and then to his feet, he couldn't believe he had slept that way for so long, curled up in a tight ball. Now he was aching and miserable. A look in the bathroom mirror showed a man who had been through hell and lived to tell the tale.

His eyes were bloodshot and puffy; he had cried for well over an hour before falling asleep, sobbing until he was unable to draw another breath. Thinking of it now, he realized that he was grieving. No one had died, but he had effectively killed his relationship with Amanda. How could he blame her for moving on with her life without him? Everything he had done – and not done – had told her that it was over.

He showered and dressed, and an hour later he was back at Galilee General, standing at the front desk waiting to see Amanda. The receptionist placed a phone call to ICU and then hung up. "Mrs. King has a visitor at the moment," she told him. "But he should be leaving any moment, so if you'll just have a seat…"

"Sure," he agreed, moving over to the uncomfortable plastic chairs. 'He' was Alan Chamberlain, Lee just knew it.

Lee knew he would have to go in to see Billy today. After he'd seen Amanda, he'd do just that. Then, after checking in and letting his boss know how things had gone abroad, he would come back to see Amanda again… unless she was awake by then and refused to see him.

Not five minutes after Lee had sat down, the double doors to the ICU opened and Alan Chamberlain emerged. He was unshaven and looked exhausted, but he also appeared to be relieved as he headed toward the exit.

Rising, Lee stepped over and let the receptionist know he was going back, and she nodded, covering the phone with one hand as she said, "Sure, go on ahead, Mr. Stetson."

He was halfway down the hall when a nurse headed him off. "Excuse me, sir, who are you here to see?"

"Amanda King," he answered, looking beyond her to see a doctor going into Amanda's room.

She shook her head. "Sorry, you can't go in right now."

"Why? What's happening?" he asked, fear gripping him.

"Do you work with Mrs. King?" she asked.

He nodded, figuring the nurse didn't need to know the details. "She's my partner."

"Okay, then. No, it's nothing serious," she assured him. "The doctor is checking in on her, and then she's scheduled for a bath and have her bedding changed. If you come back in a few hours, you can see her then. She woke up earlier this morning, for just a few minutes. She's doing much better."

Hearing that Amanda had regained consciousness, even briefly, was wonderful news, but it also filled Lee with trepidation. Suddenly he didn't mind waiting until later to see her. Besides, her mother would no doubt be here, and Chamberlain would most likely come again as well. Lee didn't know if he could bear the sight of the other man again.

He left the hospital and went to the Agency, where he was greeted warmly by everyone he encountered. Making his way toward his boss's office, Lee saw Billy smile when he caught sight of him.

In Billy's office, they spoke about Amanda, and Lee told Billy that she had awakened for a few minutes earlier in the morning. Then he filled his superior in on his time in England while Billy listened attentively, and Lee could tell that the other man was studying him closely.

"So," Billy said, watching him closely. "Why _did_ you leave here so abruptly, Lee? And why'd you stay away for so long? Don't you dare try to lie to me."

Lee took a deep breath. In a way, it felt good to be held accountable to someone for his actions. "I had to get away," he said quietly. "I still don't completely understand it myself, but I just… I had this overwhelming need to leave for a while. I didn't think of the consequences or how my leaving would affect anyone else. Then… I just… It was easier to stay there than to come back and face…"

"Amanda?" Billy supplied. At Lee's surprised look, he rolled his eyes. "Give me some credit," he said, his voice a blend of annoyance and amusement. "I'm not blind, Scarecrow. I won't ask you to go into detail, but I know there was something going on between the two of you. Pretty much everyone did, to some degree."

Looking away from his boss, Lee swallowed. "Billy… I don't know what to say. Yeah… we… Amanda and I were involved." He sighed.

"Were?"

Giving the other man a pointed look, Lee said with some irritation, "Oh, come on, Billy! Don't tell me you don't know that she's dating someone else."

Billy raised his eyebrows. "What, as if you expected her to wait? Did you ever even call her and explain why you left? I'm talking about her being your partner and friend, let alone anything else. Didn't you think you owed her an explanation?"

"Please," Lee replied in a low voice. "You can't possibly make me feel any guiltier than I already do. I've gone over it and over it in my mind and I know I screwed up. Yes, of course I should have explained to her… said goodbye. But I didn't, and I can't change that now."

Nodding, Billy said, "So… Who do you want to work with? Davis' partner retired. I hear that Frederickson is ready to go back into the field. Any preference?"

Disbelieving, Lee stared hard at the other man. "What are you talking about? I don't want to work with anyone but Amanda."

His boss gave him a sardonic look. "Well, yes, that very well may be, Lee. But will Amanda want to work with _you_? In your absence, Amanda has come into her own. She partners well with Francine, as well as—"

"Oh, yeah," Lee cut in sarcastically before he could think about what he was about to say. "She partners so well with Francine that she's lying in a hospital bed, overdosed on a dangerous drug that she's allergic to!"

"Enough!" Holding up his hands, Billy said sharply, "That's not fair and you know it. I don't want you giving Francine any grief over this. She's already beating herself up enough."

"I know, I know," Lee conceded, blowing out a breath. He ran a hand through his hair and said, "Sorry. I'm just on edge. I know I have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do to Amanda, and I'm hoping that she'll forgive me enough to at least… I mean, to work with me again."

Billy shook his head. "Scarecrow," he said, softening his tone, "don't think I don't know how much Amanda means to you. I'm not getting involved one way or another, and I'm only going to say this as your friend, and not as your boss. Amanda… She was stoic, but she took your sudden disappearance very hard. But now… Lee, she's moved on. I honestly don't know whether your coming back will be a good thing or a bad thing for her."

Lee fidgeted uncomfortably and didn't respond, and Billy took pity on him and moved on to another subject. An hour later, he was relieved to get out of his boss's office and escape to the Q-Bureau where he could be alone for a while and think. He sat down at Amanda's desk and swore he could smell her perfume. Her desk calendar was full of scribbling and notes, phone numbers and names. He longed to see her walk in the door, smiling that smile she reserved only for him. Would he ever see her look at him that way again? The Q-Bureau just seemed so… _empty_ without her there.

There were three framed photographs on her desk. One was of the boys, one was of the boys and Amanda and Dotty, and the last one was of Alan Chamberlain. Lee sneered at it, tempted to 'accidentally' knock it to the ground, especially as it was in a frame that had originally held a photo of him and Amanda. He eyed Amanda's day minder and curiously picked it up, thumbing through its pages.

It revealed nothing to him other than appointments she had made, phone numbers of contacts and leads, and other trivial information. He saw and ignored Alan's name on several of the weekend entries. One, a recent entry dated only a couple of weeks ago, caught his eye. It said, 'Alan – New York.' He frowned, staring at it intently. Had she gone away for a romantic weekend with that clown after she'd only been seeing him for a couple of weeks?

He wanted to see entries around the time he had left, but that would be in an old day minder. Amanda wrote down far more than most people did, and he was morbidly curious as to what she had written six months ago. Opening drawers, he came up empty until he checked the bottom drawer. In the very back, he found the previous year's appointment book and pulled it out.

Flipping to September, he found the day he had left for MI-6 and stared at the small square in the book. Amanda had darkened the date so much that it nearly had worn through to the other side. In the middle of the square was one word: WHY? Looking at the entry, he felt his heart break. The next day was also telling: OUT SICK, it read. Nothing was entered for the weekend, and very little was written in the following week. In the far column where notes could be jotted, he recognized the phone number for the hotel he'd stayed in the first week, as well as his room number. Guiltily he noted that the page was tear-stained.

He flipped through more pages, seeing nothing much of significance. With a sigh, he replaced it in the bottom drawer. Something caught his eye --an envelope bearing his name. Wondering if she had written him a letter and then hidden it away, he pulled it carefully from its place beneath all of her old calendars.

Opening it, he dumped the contents out onto Amanda's desk blotter. Stunned, he stared at what spilled out. There were numerous photos of him, some of them with Amanda, including the one that had once been in the frame that now held Chamberlain's grinning mug. There were several little notes he'd left her, even trivial things, since they had started dating. Cards that had come with flowers he'd given her, bearing well wishes or simply 'Love, Lee' were interspersed with other sentimental mementos.

He wondered if she had remembered that this was in her drawer and was unable to part with it or if she had forgotten all about it. With the photographs being in there, he rather hoped it was the former. Gathering everything together, he put it all back into the large envelope and replaced it in the desk drawer.

For a long moment, Lee sat there, thinking over the events of the last half year. He wished he could somehow have a 'do-over', as kids said, a chance to make different choices. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, and he knew now what a monumental mistake he had made. He also knew what it might cost him, what it might have already cost him, considering Amanda had not only returned his ring, but had moved on with someone else.

He wanted desperately to go see her, but now that she was awake, she would have a constant stream of visitors – her mother, the boys, Chamberlain, even Francine and probably others from the Agency. There was no way he could say all that he needed to say when there was a chance of interruption. Besides, it wouldn't be good for Amanda if she got too upset in her present condition.

Lee sighed. It was going to be a rough few weeks ahead. He hoped that at the end of them, he would have a reason to hope rather than to despair of ever finding happiness.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda pulled into the Agency parking lot, grateful to be getting back to work even if she was on light duty and half-days for

Amanda pulled into the Agency parking lot, grateful to be getting back to work even if she was on light duty and half-days for a week. Being at home for a week with her mother hovering over her had worn down her last nerve. She knew her mother meant well, but coming up with plausible answers to all of the questions was becoming more and more difficult. She knew that her mother didn't believe the story she'd come up with regarding this latest misadventure.

Her mind thus occupied, she didn't even notice the silver Corvette parked just five spaces away from her car. Smoothing out her black slacks, she noted that they fit a bit looser than usual; she had lost seven pounds in the hospital and in the several days following when she was still unable to keep most of her food down. Her bulky white sweater would hopefully keep too many people from noticing and commenting on her sudden weight loss.

She grabbed her purse, shut her car door, and headed inside, going straight up to the Q-Bureau. Setting her things down, Amanda frowned. Someone had been sitting at her desk, because things were out of place and her chair was adjusted differently than she liked it. Shrugging, she thought in her absence Francine or one of the other agents may have come up here for some quiet.

First on her agenda was her debriefing. Mr. Melrose had arranged for it to wait until after she came back to work, for which she was grateful. Not that she remembered much; it took less than an hour and then she headed right back upstairs.

She worked until about noon, filing, organizing and typing. Since she had finished what there was for her today, she figured she could go home a little early; she was feeling very tired. She put her purse over her shoulder and grabbed her keys. Picking up a stack of files to take down to Mr. Melrose's office, she prepared to leave the Q-Bureau when suddenly the door opened and Lee Stetson stood there, looking every bit as surprised and nervous as she suddenly felt.

"Amanda!" he said, his tone laced with anxiety. She watched as he swallowed hard, his Adam's apple moving up, then down.

Amanda licked her lips and frowned. Words formulated in her mind but got stuck at the back of her throat, refusing to leave her lips. She merely gaped at him, feeling as if she were going to pass out. This wasn't right; she was supposed to greet him coolly and walk away. Why weren't her mouth and legs cooperating? Why was every emotion she'd experienced since his departure crashing around inside, like some crazy internal typhoon? Gripping the stack of files closer to her chest like a protective shield, she shook her head mutely. He wasn't back, was he? No one had said he was back! Was this a latent drug-induced hallucination?

Time seemed to stand still as he continued to stare at her wordlessly, his mouth working as if he too were trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Amanda grew dizzier and more disoriented by the second, wishing that a hole would open in the floor of the Q-Bureau and swallow her whole. Clearly Lee hadn't been expecting to find her here. She could almost feel his dismay.

Feeling a bit faint, Amanda started to move toward the door, keeping her eyes off of Lee's face. Perhaps, if she could just pretend he wasn't there…

"Oh, Lee, before I forget, I wanted to let you know that—" Francine stopped cold, staring first at Lee and then Amanda. "Oh, Amanda," she said, frowning in concern as she took in Amanda's appearance. "I didn't realize you were here today. It's good to see you, but are you sure you're ready to be back? You look a little pale. How are you feeling?"

Amanda's eyes flew from Lee to Francine, and she knew she must look shell-shocked. "I… Um. Fine. I'm fine. Just, uh, tired. Um… Files. For Mr. Melrose to look over. I… Excuse me." Without another word or glance at either of them, she hurried out of the room, nearly pushing Francine out of her way. All she knew was that she had to escape, to get away from Lee, immediately.

"Amanda, are you _sure_ you're all right?" Francine called after her. Then, to Lee, Amanda heard her say accusingly, "All right. What did you say to her? Didn't she know you were back?"

Lee's barely audible response was lost to Amanda as she hurried down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator. She nearly tripped and had to force herself to slow down. In the Bullpen, she prayed that Lee hadn't followed her as she hurried over to Mr. Melrose's office. Thankfully he wasn't there, so she set the files in his 'in-box', scribbled a hasty note, and hurried out of the building to the sanctuary of her car.

_Lee was back. _

Why had no one told her? Of course, no one could possibly know what an impact it would have on her except Lee himself, if he even cared. Her hands were shaking badly as she thrust the key into the ignition, glancing up nervously to make sure he hadn't followed her. She took a deep breath and realized that she'd been holding in a sob. Dear Lord, how could she still be so upset over what had happened?

But she was, and she would have to deal with it. First, though, she had to get over the initial shock of his being back home. Why now? What remarkably bad timing. He had returned at a time when she was physically, emotionally and psychologically weak, damn him! Amanda felt as if she were on the threshold of a battle, and her enemy had caught her at her most vulnerable. She started the car and backed out of her space, seeing his Corvette for the first time. Even seeing his car caused an emotional reaction!

Most dismaying of all was that she had felt herself respond to his return in every way. Her first reaction, even though it lasted only a fraction of a fraction of a second, was hope and joy. That made her extraordinarily angry now; there was _no_ reason to be happy to see Lee Stetson. Her next reaction had been humiliation, the memory of what he had done to her, treating her no better than one of his meaningless flings. That emotion was followed by renewed anger. Worst of all, her body had responded to him. After all the intimate moments they had shared, it was natural – but still annoying – that she still desired him in that way. Perhaps, though, it was only because they had never fully explored that aspect of their relationship. _Yeah, right…_

Was that why he had left? Because they hadn't 'gone all the way'? She hated to think so, but he _was_ Lee Stetson, after all, and his past proved him to be a very virile man with a healthy appetite for the company of women… Women. He would have had his pick in England, enough at MI-6 alone, Amanda was sure. Maybe some that he had had relationships with in the past, for all she knew. Surely he hadn't remained celibate for almost half a year. Jealousy surged through her veins like fire along a gas line.

She drove on near auto-pilot, the route she had taken home for years easy and wide open at this time of the day. If she passed through any stoplights, there hadn't been any other vehicles around or any police to catch and ticket her.

Pulling into her driveway, she sat for a long time in the car, brooding. Lee's return had come unexpectedly and at the worst time possible. She had to come to grips with the fact and deal with it accordingly. Getting back together with him was absolutely out of the question, she told herself firmly. There was no sense even hoping for it. Once she wrapped her mind around that unchanging fact, the better off she would be.

Later that evening, Amanda was feeling considerably better. Dinner was out of the way and Alan would be stopping by. The boys had finished their homework and were upstairs playing a game together. She had made it a mandatory once a week ritual for them – no television and they were to do something together. They had taken to it a lot better than she had hoped. Her mother was also upstairs, on a long-distance call to an old friend.

Amanda pulled a boysenberry pie out of the oven and set it on a cooling rack. Opening the freezer, she made sure that the half-gallon of vanilla ice cream hadn't mysteriously disappeared, as it was wont to do with two ravenous growing boys in the house. She pulled two plates and two forks out, and set them on the counter next to the pie.

She was nervous about seeing Alan. If she were honest with herself, she knew that it was because Lee Stetson had come back, and now she was wondering if her thoughts would be occupied with him rather than with Alan. She hoped not; things were progressing nicely with Alan and she really liked him.

Moments later, the doorbell rang and she let Alan in, accepting his brief kiss. "I've missed you," he said, handing her a beautiful bouquet of flowers. "How are you feeling?"

"Thank you, Alan, these are gorgeous," she said, kissing him again. "Follow me into the kitchen so I can get a vase. I'm feeling okay. Just tired, really. It was my first day back to work, and even though I was only there for a while, it was enough to exhaust me," she told him, knowing full well that it wasn't only work that had taken its toll.

He touched her shoulder. "They should have given you more time off," he said, criticism for the Agency in his voice. Another nice thing about Alan was that he basically knew what she did for a living, and therefore she could be pretty honest with him.

She smiled at his concern. "They offered more time; I declined. A week was more than enough for me. I was glad to be back." _Until I saw who else was back,_ her mind added, but she dismissed the thought. "Look, I made you a pie."

Alan glanced at the pie hungrily and shook his head. "You shouldn't have, Amanda," he lightly scolded. "You ought to be resting when you're at home. Not baking. I could have easily stopped off and gotten dessert."

She shrugged casually, touched by his concern. "Store bought? No thanks. Besides, baking isn't work. I enjoy it; it's relaxing."

He smiled gently, moving closer to her. "I meant what I said; I've really missed you."

She placed her hands on his arms, allowing the closeness. Once, she had told him she didn't like being trapped, that it made her feel claustrophobic, so he carefully avoided cornering her against walls and counters. In truth, that was something Lee had done quite often, and she had found it maddeningly sexy. She simply couldn't stand for another man to do anything remotely like Lee had. It was, she realized, just another sign that she still had a lot of unresolved feelings for her former partner and lover.

Alan seemed to pick up on her reticence. "Maybe you're too tired for company. Should we do this another time?"

"No," she replied, her voice shaky. Leaning into him, she put her arms around his neck and drew his face down to hers. He gave her a crooked smile before allowing her to take possession of his lips.

She could tell that he was surprised, but then he quickly seemed to warm to the idea as he pulled her closer against him and took over the kiss. His lips were soft and warm, but nothing like Lee's. In fact, she didn't really even enjoy the kiss. Irritated with herself, she shoved Lee out of her mind as she ran her fingers through the softly curling hair at the nape of Alan's neck. _Nothing like Lee's straight hair,_ her inner voice taunted.

When they parted, Alan's eyes were clouded with desire, yet confused. She knew he was wondering what had gotten into her, but she had no explanation to offer. Smiling weakly, she shrugged and said, "Pie?"

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

Lee parked his 'Vette several houses down from Amanda's and surveyed the neighborhood for a long moment. He hadn't realized just how much he missed his clandestine visits to her back door, but now he wondered how he had gone so long without them. He took a deep breath. Too much time had already gone by; he had to talk to Amanda before it became too awkward to do so.

Hoping she was alone or would agree to take a drive with him to a quiet restaurant, he slid out of the car and closed the door quietly, noting that all looked calm in the King and West household. Lights burned softly in almost every room of the house, including upstairs, so maybe he would find Amanda alone downstairs as he often used to in the early evening.

He had no idea what Chamberlain's car looked like, so that was the only variable he couldn't be sure of. Then again, there were more variables than he cared to admit; the boys or Dotty could be downstairs, Amanda could be out, or she could slam the door in his face.

He hadn't been expecting to find her in the Q-Bureau that morning. After an early morning meet, he had come straight back to the Agency and had been in a conference all morning. Billy had said he'd offered Amanda more than a week off; Lee had been hoping she would accept it, but he should have known she wouldn't want to be off for that long.

The expression on her facewhen he walked in had nearly killed him. It had quickly shifted from a fleeting, almost automatic smile to complete and utter dismay. He would have tried to talk to her right then and there, but he knew Francine was right behind him. Thankfully, Amanda had been far too shocked to say anything herself. When she fled the office, he wanted to follow her more than anything, but he had stood, rooted to the spot, and had to endure Francine's curious questioning.

Lee wanted to believe that if he had a chance to apologize and explain to Amanda, that she would forgive him and take him back. He knew that wasn't what he deserved, but she had always been very forbearing with him in the past, even when he had let her think he was dead, when he accidentally slapped her face playing a cover, when he pretended to shoot her, and when he dated a woman enough like her to be an insult. He was hoping against all odds that she would forgive him again, but something told him that she had taken this one a lot harder than anything he'd done before. As Emily had said, even a woman as wonderful and patient as Amanda had her limits.

As quietly as he could, he crept into her backyard and up to her kitchen window. Peeking inside, he felt his insides go cold as he caught sight of Amanda and Alan Chamberlain tangled in what appeared to be a very intimate embrace in the middle of her kitchen. Unable to tear his eyes away from the spectacle, he continued to stare at the couple, barely able to believe that it was Amanda he was seeing. He was ready to duck out of sight at a second's notice.

It wasn't until Amanda spoke that he realized the window was open by a few inches. He could smell boysenberry pie that had obviously just come out of the oven. Her back was to him, and Chamberlain had eyes only for Amanda, so Lee stayed where he was for the moment. Amanda had pulled slightly away from Chamberlain but kept her hands on his chest as she said, "Pie?"

Lee saw the other man smile bemusedly. He didn't fail to recognize the flush of desire on Chamberlain's face, and he felt his blood boil possessively. Then the creep said, "I don't know if your pie can top your kiss, but if it's anywhere near as good, then yes, I'd love a slice."

Amanda laughed awkwardly, looking decidedly uncomfortable as she blushed. Lee filed the moment away for later consideration. "So, um… Do you want to get the ice cream out for me while I get the pie ready?"

"Sure, I'll even scoop it," he agreed easily, opening into Amanda's freezer as if he were very comfortable in her kitchen. Proving Lee's suspicion correct, Chamberlain opened into a drawer and pulled out the ice cream scoop. Lee gaped. _He_ hadn't even known where the damn ice cream scoop was kept!

He could feel his annoyance rising with each passing moment, watching as the two worked in tandem, talking easily about their respective workdays and what was going on with the boys. Chamberlain listened graciously as Amanda talked about Phillip and Jamie, but didn't seem particularly keen on hearing about them. To be fair, though, he was probably still distracted by having been lip-locked with Amanda moments ago, Lee conceded reluctantly.

All too soon, Amanda and Chamberlain moved out of the kitchen and sat down in the den. Lee could no longer hear them, but by moving to another window, he was able to see them fairly clearly. They sat on the couch, close but not too close. Of course, they were concentrating on eating their dessert at the moment. Lee's mouth watered; when he was near the kitchen window, he could almost taste the tart berries. Boysenberry pie was Lee's favorite, particularly Amanda's recipe.

He could see Chamberlain and Amanda talking seriously together and he was dying to hear their conversation. Unfortunately, the weather wasn't warm enough for Amanda to leave too many windows open in the evening. July and August were much better for that.

Chamberlain set his plate down on the coffee table, and then took Amanda's and set hers down as well. Then he rested his arm along the back of the sofa. Lee snorted at the obvious ploy. The guy was too much. Did he actually think he was smooth?

The two continued to talk for several minutes, and Lee felt another pang of jealousy. He was sure his skin was becoming tinted green. He remembered how amazing it had been to sit with Amanda after a meal in a restaurant or in her backyard or at his apartment and just… talk… while gazing into her eyes. Even before they had become involved romantically, he had begun to feel a connection with her that had blown him away. At first it had frightened him, but when it persisted, he welcomed and even embraced it. He'd never been so close to anyone before, and he realized afresh just what he had given up, possibly for good, in running away.

Lee wanted to stay until Chamberlain was gone, but he soon had to admit that he wouldn't be able to do that. He was already cramped and uncomfortable from squatting out of sight, and if he stayed too long, one of Amanda's curious neighbors was likely to spot him and call the police. It would be the ultimate humiliation to be apprehended by one of Amanda's diligent neighbors, especially with the competition present, so he decided it was high time to head home.

For the next three days, Lee didn't see much of Amanda at all. If he did, it was from a distance. She was incredibly good at evasion, so good that he was becoming frustrated beyond belief. It was as if she knew his schedule and made sure to avoid him at all costs. Whenever he went to the Q-Bureau, he could tell she had been there, and recently, but he never found her there. She spent a lot of time downstairs but seemed to move around a lot.

And Lee was busy catching up on what he had missed while gone. He had meetings every day, sometimes all morning and afternoon, with Billy and Dr. Smyth and other higher-ups. He had asked Billy to reassign him with Amanda, but Billy refused. He insisted that they both had to want that, and that Amanda had requested in no uncertain terms _not_ to work with Lee.

Whenever Lee was around, Amanda seemed to be out of the office, either with Francine or another agent, following the routine she had obviously established in his absence. He knew she couldn't keep it up forever, but his concern was that the longer they went without talking, the easier it would be for her to avoid him in other ways as well, and that seemed to be exactly what she was doing. Not that he blamed her.

He had tried stopping by every night but to his chagrin, Amanda was always out or Chamberlain was there. One night he was even there to have dinner with her family. That was just going too far, in Lee's opinion. Dotty seemed to love him but the boys, while polite, didn't seem exactly thrilled at his presence. Chamberlain basically ignored them, focusing instead on Amanda and sometimes Dotty.

There had to be a way to find Amanda alone, either at work or at her house, and keep her there until he had his say. Once he had accomplished that, then the ball would be in her court, so to speak. And he hoped that she would be willing to play and toss it back. If not… Lee didn't like to think about 'if not'.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

Amanda smoothed the front of her pink skirt as she stood at Mrs. Marsten's desk and rattled off the password for the day. Giving the older woman a smile, she said, "Have a nice day. Oh, is Mr. Stetson upstairs, do you know?"

Mrs. Marsten raised one sculpted eyebrow. "Mrs. King, you ask me that every morning. How many more mornings am I going to be subjected to your interrogation? I'd just like to know what to expect."

"Sorry," Amanda muttered, embarrassed. The woman had a real knack of putting others in their place under the guise of politeness. "I won't ask again."

Apparently the receptionist took pity on Amanda, because her expression softened marginally and she whispered, "I haven't seen him yet," as Amanda began to ascend the staircase.

"Thank you, Mrs. Marsten."

Once upstairs, Amanda hurried over to Lee's desk and flipped open his calendar. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that he was due to be out of the office all day until three thirty; plenty of time for her to do her work and slip away at two or shortly after.

She was conflicted. If she asked Mr. Melrose to give her a desk downstairs again, she would be away from Lee but would no longer have access to his schedule. But by staying here, she ran the risk of being caught by him, and it was clear that he wanted to talk to her. She couldn't imagine _why_; she had nothing to say to him. The Agency wasn't the place for it anyway, so she had studiously avoided him.

Of course, he had been to her house as well. Did he think she couldn't tell when he had been there? So she had been inviting Alan to stop by more often, and when he was unavailable, she found reasons to run to the market or do some other errand after dinner, at just about the time Lee was most likely to show up. She knew she was being difficult and a bit childish about the whole thing, but she just couldn't summon the courage to face him. Not yet.

Her day went by quickly; she never even left the office except to use the restroom down the hall or run something downstairs. Each time she did so, she took her purse and keys so that if she saw that Lee had returned prematurely, she could make a quick getaway.

She was finished with everything by two fifteen, and smiled to herself that another day of successful Stetson avoidance had gone well. Perhaps it was the self-congratulatory attitude that doomed her, for as soon as she closed her top desk drawer and opened the bottom one to grab her purse and keys, the Q-Bureau door opened and there he stood. She knew that this time he would be alone, and there would be no Francine to run unwitting interference for her.

Amanda felt herself stiffen involuntarily. Her heart began hammering in her ears and she suddenly forgot how to breathe. Still, she managed to nod coolly at him as she picked up her things and stood. "I'll be out of your way in just a second; I was just on my way out the door."

Lee stood there watching her, looking uncertain and strangely vulnerable. She refused to be affected by him. Walking across the office, she went to move past him when he closed the door with a jerky motion, and cleared his throat. "Amanda."

She looked from Lee to the door handle, and back to Lee. "Excuse me."

"We need to talk," he began.

Amanda laughed harshly. "Oh, I see… You decide we need to talk, so we talk. Six months ago you sure didn't seem up to talking, and you left the country. Well, I'm _sorry_, but you'll just have to forgive me now that _I'm_ the one who doesn't feel like talking."

He nodded warily but didn't let her pass. In fact, he moved so that his back was to the door, reaching behind to lock it. "I deserved that. Look… I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be. I'm not blaming you for that. But Amanda, I have things I need to say to you, and I need you to hear me out. After that I'll… I'll let you go."

Indignantly, she crossed her arms. "So… Let me get this straight. You're holding me against my will until I let you talk? Like a hostage? I don't think so, Scarecrow. Move."

"No." His hazel eyes sparked. _He _was getting angry with _her_?

"What?" she demanded, amazed at the gall of the man. "Who on earth do you think you are?"

"Your fiancé," he answered, but his tone was less than confident.

Now Amanda was livid. "_No_," she said angrily, refusing to let him reduce her to tears. Uncrossing her arms, she waved her left hand dismissively. "Not anymore. You made that clear when you left for nearly half a year and didn't even say goodbye. I thought I left the ring where you would find it. Did you not see it?"

"Yeah, I saw it," Lee said, his jaw clenching either in anger or some other strong emotion; Amanda couldn't tell. "I saw it, but it doesn't change _anything_. Like I said, I know I have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do, and I need you to hear me out. Please."

She shook her head. What could he possibly have to say that would make her feel better about the situation? Nothing. Still, she knew he was a determined man and that he would stop at nothing until he had his say. Unable to believe she was agreeing to listen to his lame excuses, she said, "Fine. Talk. Explain. I guarantee you it won't change how I feel." To emphasize her point, she re-crossed her arms.

Her words seemed to hurt him, if his expression were any clue. Good. It was his turn to be hurt and bewildered. It had been her turn for far too long. He opened his mouth, but before he could utter a syllable, someone knocked loudly.

"Scarecrow?"

Lee closed his eyes in obvious irritation. "Just a minute, Billy," he said. To Amanda, he whispered, "This isn't going to work; not here. Come over to my place tonight, around eight. Will you? Please say yes."

She closed her eyes. This was a nightmare. There was no way on earth she was going to go over to his place, where he would have far too many advantages. "I can't."

"Well, can I stop by your place?" he asked.

"No," she replied shortly, looking him straight in the eye. "I have company coming over."

"Scarecrow, open up," Billy called, jiggling the door handle. "I have a key," he threatened.

Lee's jaw clenched again. He didn't like things being out of his control. Well, too bad. "Fine," he relented grudgingly. "I'll see you tomorrow and we'll set up a time to talk."

"Let me out," she said noncommittally, her voice flat. "Mr. Melrose wants in."

He sighed and opened the door, allowing their boss to enter. Amanda waited until she could move past him, briefly said goodbye to Mr. Melrose, and fled to the safety of the stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

Lee glanced around the parking lot but didn't see Amanda's car

Lee glanced around the parking lot but didn't see Amanda's car. Since Billy had foiled his attempt to talk to her in the Q-Bureau, four days had passed in which she had successfully stayed out of his sight. She had avoided him at her house as well, keeping the boys and her mother close by or staying upstairs herself. He had thought about climbing her trellis, but he was afraid she might call the police on him. The nights Chamberlain wasn't around, the entire downstairs was dark by eight o'clock.

He began to wonder if he would ever have a chance to try to make things okay between them. At this point, he would be almost satisfied just to have her friendship, but it seemed that his actions had cost him that as well. If only he could find a way to convey his feelings to Amanda in words, but she wasn't even giving him the chance.

He was beginning to realize just how deeply he had hurt her. It wasn't like Amanda to hold a grudge or refuse to even talk to someone. She was the most forgiving person he knew. So for her to be acting this way, he knew without a doubt that he had truly broken her heart. It certainly had never been his intention, and at the time, he hadn't even considered it a possibility. Why, he didn't know; it was so clear now, looking back.

Lee missed Amanda. It would have been easier if he didn't. It would have been better if his time away from her had proved enlightening and shown him that their relationship wasn't quite what he had built it up to be. Instead, the opposite proved true. He needed her in every imaginable way. After being physically apart for six months, this emotional distance was even worse.

Upstairs in the Q-Bureau, he glanced at his schedule. He was supposed to have been paying a visit to Augie today, but the bum had canceled on him and now he was stuck in the office all day. With a sigh, he grabbed a thick file folder and began to read.

Not twenty minutes after he arrived, the door opened and Amanda stepped into the room. Upon seeing him, she stood perfectly still and stared. Before he could say a word, she gestured accusingly at him and said, "You're not supposed to be in the office until later today!" She immediately covered her mouth with her free hand. "I mean… I'll just go and work downstairs today."

"Wait, Amanda," he said hurriedly, his mind putting two and two together rapidly. His suspicions had been correct; she had been looking at his day planner; that was how she had known to avoid him so effectively. Well, he'd just have to make sure she couldn't do that anymore. Instead of commenting on it, however, he said, "Please wait. You said you'd hear me out, and since I can't find you at home these days, you're going to have to listen to me here. Now."

For a long minute she didn't answer. Then, with a sigh, she sat down in her chair and set her things on her desk. "Fine. Talk."

He was surprised at her acquiescence, though reluctant. Willing that there be no interruptions, he took a deep breath and said, "First of all, I have to say that I'm incredibly sorry that I left the way I did. I shouldn't have gone in the first place, but it was stupid not to talk to you. If I'd told you what was bothering me, we could have worked things out and avoided this whole… situation."

"So…" she said, drawing out the word. "Because you felt you couldn't talk to me, it's my fault you left the way you did."

Frowning, he shook his head. "I'm not saying that. Don't put words in my mouth. What I'm trying to say is that I chickened out. I let everything get to me until I felt overwhelmed. Yes, I should have come to you… But I didn't. I felt like if I could just have some time to think… to work things out in my mind… Then I got there and I never called you back because I didn't know what to say or how to explain why I'd left. And the moretime went on, the more difficult and awkward it became, and the easier it was just to… _not_ call or write. I'm sorry. There aren't any adequate words… I could never say I'm sorry enough."

She shrugged dismissively. "What's done is done."

"Amanda, please don't be this way," he said.

She arched an eyebrow at him. "What way? You left me, Lee. You just took off, and I had no idea until I showed up for work one day and it was, 'Oh, yeah, by the way, Lee's gone over to work with MI-6 for a while.' Do you have any idea what went through my mind? How that made me feel? Especially when I found out that you hadn't gone because of any other reason than you _volunteered_? I felt like… like… I don't know. It hardly matters now, anyway—"

"It does matter, Amanda, which is why we have to work this out," he replied, flinching at her cold, disbelieving stare.

She shook her head. "That's where you're wrong. There's nothing to work out. If you had said something instead of just leaving, or even if you still had to leave for a while but had come to me and said you needed time… space… whatever… then we might have had a chance to work things out. Couples work things out, Lee. Couples talk. But you and I are no longer a couple. That was your choice."

Lee's mouth was dry. His heart was beating rapidly and he felt as if his world were imploding in all around him. "You can't mean that," he whispered, his voice raspy.

"Yes, I can, and I do," she said quietly. "I mean it more than I can say."

"You don't… do you think in time we could possibly…" He trailed off, again struck dumb at the look she was giving him. It was one of utter disbelief… astonishment that he would even have the nerve to ask.

She took a deep breath. "I went through hell after you left, Lee. I blamed myself. I blamed you. I blamed Khai and the kidnappers who took his son. I blamed the Agency. Then I went back to blaming myself. I wondered what I could have possibly done to make you want to fly an ocean away from me without even saying why. I tried to contact you… after a while I began to feel like an idiot, it was so clear you wanted nothing more to do with me. Lee, I grieved over your loss like you had died. In a way it was worse, because you _chose_ to leave me. Then the grief turned to anger, and finally that faded away and all that was left was to… accept. Accept that it was over, that you didn't want to marry me or be with me… that something had driven you away. That _I_ had driven you away."

Amanda paused as though trying to compose herself, taking deep breaths. "I… I've moved on. I had no choice. If I had continued to wait for you, and you never came back… it… I couldn't have dealt with it. So I did the only thing I could, and I moved on."

"Amanda," he whispered, stricken. "I wish I knew what to say to fix this. Please believe me when I say that I never intended to hurt you. I don't know what I thought would happen, but it wasn't this. I'm so sorry…"

"It's over," she said again, referring not only to their relationship, he could tell by her tone, but to the entire situation. She was finished with it. "It's done. There's nothing you can say, because nothing would make any difference. Something went wrong. Relationships fall apart for a reason, Lee. I'm just glad that you… that you left early on, rather than after… after we had taken things too far."

He closed his eyes, fighting back tears. "But that's the thing, Amanda. I never meant to leave. It wasn't my intention to leave you."

"But I didn't know what your intention _was_, don't you understand?" she asked, obviously frustrated. "I can't even believe we're having this conversation… That you even think there's anything to salvage. _You_ ended it!"

"I know it seems that way, but—"

"Please, Lee, no more," she said, rubbing her temples with her fingers. She stood abruptly, picking up her things. "Just… tell Mr. Melrose I went home with a headache. I'll ask to be assigned somewhere else in the morning."

He felt panic rise, unwilling to let her go. "I don't want you to be assigned anywhere else, Amanda," he said urgently. "Please don't do this. We can… we can just _work_ together, if nothing else. Please."

She wavered. He saw it in her eyes. Then a mask came down and she shook her head. "I don't think that would be such a good idea, Lee."

And then she was gone. Lee sat with his head in his hands, his work forgotten. An hour later, he went down to see Billy and told him Amanda had gone home with a headache. Then, after a brief conversation, Lee told him that he was going home as well. He had completely ruined his life; he would never be as happy as he'd been with Amanda. To go back to life as it was before her was unthinkable.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

As soon as Amanda got home, she hurried upstairs to her bedroom, grateful that the boys were in school and her mother was out shopping with a friend. Even though she was alone, she closed the door. Then she started to tremble. She replayed the entire conversation with Lee in her mind as the tears started to fall slowly. Sitting down on the edge of her bed, she sobbed as she hadn't done in months, all the pain and loss and humiliation coming back to her afresh.

He wanted her back. In a million years, she had never thought that it was even a possibility. Everything that had happened implied that it was over, and she had accepted it, gone on with her life. Now he was back and pleading with her to forgive him, to take him back. It was too overwhelming to even think about. How could she possibly ever trust him again? Had he honestly believed that she would be waiting for him, if and when he decided to come home?

Amanda growled low in her throat, her frustration at an all-time high. Alan was supposed to come over for dinner, but she couldn't deal with him tonight. She called and left a message, canceling and apologizing, claiming she wasn't feeling well, which was true enough. She felt sick. Sick with the realization that her fiancé claimed to still love and want her.

Well, that was just too bad. He had made his bed, now he could lie in it. She had made a start of going on without him; she wasn't about to undo all that progress because he wanted her back… was she? Her thoughts went around and around all night long, seriously robbing her of sleep. In the end, her hurt and anger won out, and she knew that she would do what she had to do.

The next morning, she arrived at the Agency early, heading straight for Mr. Melrose's office. Upon seeing her, he motioned her inside and indicated for her to take a seat. "What can I do for you this morning, Amanda?"

"I'd like to ask a favor, Mr. Melrose," she began, hearing the doubt in her own voice. At his nod, she continued. "I'd like to be assigned to work back downstairs again, rather than in the Q-Bureau."

"I see," he said, nodding slowly as though he had been expecting this. "I understand your dilemma, more than you think I do. But unfortunately, I can't grant your request just yet," he said, surprising her.

"Yet?"

He nodded again. "You see, Amanda… Lee sort of… beat you to the punch yesterday afternoon. He requested that I not grant your request to move out of the Q for four weeks. If, after four weeks, you still want to be reassigned, I'll arrange it at that time."

"And you agreed to that?" she asked, incredulous. "Sir, I'm sorry, but I don't understand."

Mr. Melrose sighed. "You will. Amanda, you know that Lee is one of my best agents. The Agency can't afford to lose him. He's so serious about this that he said if I let you move out of the Q now, he would quit. I just can't let that happen. So I agreed to the terms," he said, pausing and holding up a hand as she started to reply indignantly, "and I can't say that I don't agree with him, to an extent. You two made a perfect team, Amanda, and I hesitate to break that up. He feels that the two of you can reach an understanding. He's asking me… and you… to give him a month to fix things. Which means the two of you will be working together again, at least for the next month."

Amanda gaped at him. She could see by the look on his face that he was implacable. Inside, she was fuming, but at Lee, not at her boss. He was being manipulated and coerced… blackmailed, in a way! So Lee thought he could make everything better in just four weeks, after being gone for much longer, did he? Well, let him try!

"I understand, Sir," she said evenly, watching as he blew out a sigh of relief. "Please just know that in exactly 28 days, I'll be back in here making the same request."

Mr. Melrose looked as if he wanted to say something else and then thought better of it. Nodding, he said, "Thank you, Amanda. You've made this a lot easier on me than I probably deserve."

She stood and shrugged. "I'm a professional. I can deal with unpleasant working conditions for a few weeks. And I want you to know that I don't blame _you_."

Frustrated, Amanda headed upstairs. Opening the door to the Q-Bureau, she saw Lee sitting at his desk with his head down, as if he were engrossed in reading. She tossed her purse down onto her desk, keeping her eyes on him. He didn't look up. Amanda cleared her throat noisily, and still he didn't give her so much as a glance.

"Good morning," she said loudly.

Finally he lookedup at her, seeming almost fearful. "Ah… good morning, Amanda. Have you spoken with Billy yet?"

"You know I have," she said, crossing her arms. "Lee, how _could_ you?"

He stood up, suddenly emboldened, and crossed the room to stand in front of her. "Because I love you," he said bluntly. "Because I don't think that we should throw away what we had because of my stupidity. I've apologized and tried to explain, and I'll keep apologizing and explaining for the rest of my life if it's what you want, but damn it, Amanda, I can't let you go!"

"You don't have a choice!" she replied heatedly, backing away from him. She couldn't think with him so close; she had to maintain a distance from him. He had surprised her when he said he loved her; he hadn't said that until now. Hearing him say that he still did made her feel more confused than ever.

Lee pursued her, not allowing her any space. "Yes, I do, and so do you. I'm not giving you up without a fight, Amanda. What I did was cowardly, and stupid, and selfish. I admit that. Until you, I hadn'tbeen in a serious relationship. I got scared and I felt that the only thing to do was run away. Now _you're_ the one who's running."

"No, I'm not," she denied fiercely, even though her heart told her he was right. She had expected him to come back and avoid her, pretend they'd never had a relationship. But that wasn't the case. He wanted her back, was trying to apologize. "I'm here, I'm right _here_!"

"Physically, yes," he agreed wryly. "But emotionally? You're running away. You didn't even let me finish yesterday, Amanda, there was so much else I wanted to say but you left. You didn't even want to hear it. How can I explain if you won't let me?"

She frowned, hating that he made so much sense. Stubbornly, she refused to give in, wanting only to hurt him. "Nothing you could say would make a difference."

"So you don't care that I still love you, is that it? Is that what you're telling me?" he asked, moving dangerously close. She continued to back up, knowing she was heading straight for the vault, where there would be no escape. "You can honestly say that you don't love me at all anymore?"

"Yes," she said before thinking. How could she tell him she still harbored feelings for him? Why give him the satisfaction, the edge? Whether she loved him or not was no longer the point. When he was close enough to touch her, she put her hands up to ward him off. "Yes, I can."

"I don't believe you," he said, and backed her right into the vault and against a shelf. Amanda felt her insides melt as her mind raced. This urgent, demanding, possessive Lee was making her angry, while at the same time, turning her on in ways she hadn't even thought about since he left. She could feel his solid chest beneath her hands; he wasn't wearing a jacket, and she was aware of his heart pounding, the warmth of him through the thin cotton shirt. Unable to stop herself, Amanda flexed her fingers, unreasonably delighted when his muscles rippled under her touch.

She was inescapably pinned between the shelf and Lee's firm, lean body, his arms closing her in on either side. She wanted to struggle but found that her body was infuriatingly uncooperative. The feeling of being trapped by him was thrilling, despite her anger, and she found that she didn't want him to let her go. Ineffectually, she pushed against him, but it had no effect. It was something she felt he would expect her to do, but her heart wasn't in it.

"Let me go," she said, intending to sound angry. Instead, it came out as a rather pathetic plea, a last ditch effort to get out of a situation she knew would cause a tacit admission. "Please."

His voice husky at being so close to her, he said, "I don't think you really _want_ me to let you go." Dipping his head so that his lips were right against her ear, he added, "And I don't plan to, even if you do."

"I'll scream," she warned him, shivering despite herself.

Kicking the door shut with his foot, he replied, "Go ahead. No one will hear you." He kissed her jaw, his breath warm against her cheek.

Amanda ceased her struggling, it was doing no good. Not that she was really trying all that hard in the first place. It was as though her entire system were shutting down, turned into a boneless mass at his nearness. He was wearing her favorite aftershave. In the bottle it had done nothing for her, but now, on him, it made her want to ravage him. "You're holding me against my will again," she breathed, hating the tremor in her voice.

Lee's fingertip trailed along her jaw to her chin, and she was unable to stop the gasp that escaped her lips. Applying gentle pressure, he tilted her head up to look him in the eye. "Then why'd you stop fighting?" he murmured, his eyelids falling closed.

Before she could answer, his mouth descended upon hers. Her body, so long deprived of his closeness, responded with an enthusiastic lurch, to her utter dismay. She slid her hands from his chest to his shoulders, grasping handfuls of his shirt. In complete betrayal of herself and her resolve, she felt herself responding heatedly to his kiss, opening to him willingly when his tongue sought entry.

His arm snaked between the curve of her back and the heavy shelf, pressing even closer against her. Whether or not he truly still loved her was debatable in her mind; whether or not he still wanted her could not be questioned. She could feel every nerve ending tingling and alive as she responded with an eagerness that appalled her. Reminding herself of what he had done, she mustered her senses and moved her hands back to his chest, giving him one good shove.

Lee stumbled back, breathing heavily. "Amanda, you can't tell me that–"

"I can tell you _exactly _what I think of you," she fumed, rearranging her blouse to keep her hands from grabbing him and pulling him back against her. "I think you're a smug, conniving, manipulative—"

"You were kissing me back, Amanda! There's something there, can't you feel it?" he pleaded, still panting and looking indescribably sexy. His face was flushed and his hazel eyes were darkened to nearly all black. His hair was mussed – had she run her hands through it?

Her mind screamed in frustration as she realized that things would never work out with Alan Chamberlain, now. Not once in their month together had he ever done to her what Lee Stetson just had. It made her angrier at him than ever. How dare he come back just as she had figured out how to go on without him and remind her of how devastatingly alive he could make her feel with just a kiss.

Somewhere, in the haze of her passion, confusion and anger, she knew that she was going to tell Alan she couldn't see him any more. He was too nice a guy to string along, and she was no good at 'faking it' when it came to men. As soon as Lee had returned from abroad, all of her growing feelings for Alan had dissipated like early morning mist on the grass. He was coming over tonight; she would tell him then. She blamed Lee, and used her anger over the situation to fuel her reply to him, forcing herself to forget how his kiss had made her feel just moments ago.

"All I feel," she said slowly, moving cautiously away from him and toward the door, "is used." Lee flinched, but she went on. "Don't you _ever_ do that again, Scarecrow."

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

Although Amanda was now angrier than ever before, Lee couldn't completely squelch the budding hope he felt. He had been aware of Amanda's body reacting to his touch, even before he pinned her in the vault. When he kissed her, he felt her body jerk against him, and knew that there was no way their connection would have remained so strong on a merely physical level; she was still emotionally tied to him as well. Her hands had roamed over his chest and shoulders, leaving trails of fire wherever she touched.

Unfortunately, for several days after, Amanda barely spoke to him, no matter how hard he tried. She did, however, seem nervous and jumpy whenever he was near her. There was very little to do work-wise, and so they were both stuck in the office most of the time. She found excuses to leave the Q-Bureau as often as possible, and left early several days, claiming to still be feeling under the weather. Billy, of course, believed her and encouraged her to take it easy.

Lee was becoming desperate. Having held Amanda in his arms again and kissed her, he couldn't stand being apart from her. If he could have turned back time and fixed the past, he would have done so at any cost. He had tried softening her by bringing her flowers, leaving cards and notes for her to find, and bringing her lunch, but she was unyielding. It really seemed as though she wanted to end the relationship permanently.

Interestingly, he had parked outside her house every night, and while she never responded to his attempts to lure her outside, he hadn't seen Chamberlain there either. He began to hope that Amanda had broken it off with the guy. It would not only be a major impediment out of the way, but would also be further proof that she wasn't as over Lee as she liked to pretend.

It was a week after what he now thought of as the 'vault incident' that he came up with an inspired plan. He would have to be careful in what he said to Amanda and how he worded things, so that she wouldn't be able to accuse him of outright lying. When he was ready, he called her and told her that he needed her for an assignment the following week and that they would be gone for three days. She had seemed annoyed but had reluctantly agreed after a little coaxing. He spent the weekend making arrangements, and then on Monday morning, he spoke to Billy.

"Are you crazy?" Billy asked after listening to Lee's scheme.

Lee shrugged. "Probably," he conceded. "But I have to try. You don't understand, Billy, I made a huge mistake, but if I don't fix things, Amanda and I will both be paying for it for the rest of our lives. You know more than I thought you did," Lee admitted, licking his lips nervously. "But you don't know everything. Billy… Amanda and I… we were engaged." Not giving his boss time to reply, Lee rushed on. "I need her, Billy; I have to win her back."

The other man sighed. "Were you planning on letting me in on the secret?"

"We, uh… we were planning on a mystery marriage," Lee said, glancing at Billy.

Frowning, Billy shook his head. "You don't really think that was a good idea, do you?"

Lee straightened. "We did at the time, after what happened to Khai's son," he said defensively, then relented. "But… when Amanda got hurt despite me being miles away, I realized that anything can happen at any time. It would be better if I were around to protect her than not."

"You don't just want to marry Amanda to protect her, do you?" Billy asked incredulously. "I mean, I know you feel responsible for her, but Lee…"

"No," Lee cut in firmly. "I know how I used to act about having to work with her, but after a while, that's all it was – an act. Now… Billy, she's my _life_. I love her. She's the closest thing to family I've ever had."

His boss nodded, seeming satisfied. "I never thought I'd see the day. All right, I'll approve the vacation time off for both of you and get it pushed through, but I won't give Amanda a copy of her vacation approval slip, or she'll know something's up. You have three days, Lee, and then I want you back here, and if Amanda wants nothing more to do with you, I'll honor her request, whatever it is."

Feeling his gut clench at the tremendous risk he was taking, Lee nodded. "Okay. Thanks, Billy."

"I only hope you know what you're doing," the other man said grimly. "You do realize you're taking quite a chance," he stated, giving Lee a hard look.

Lee nodded again, running a hand through his hair. "I know. It's just that… I can't talk to her here, and she makes sure to be away or unavailable when I try to go by her house. The more time that goes on without resolving things, the worse it's going to be. But I _know_ she still has feelings for me, Billy. I have to give it a try."

Billy sighed. "I know you do. I hope things work out for you both."

Lee left the Section Chief's office and went upstairs to call Amanda at home. He was already packed and ready to go. All he had to do was pick up Amanda. Hoping she hadn't changed her mind or somehow figured out what he was planning, he dialed her number and waited for her to answer.

"Hello?" she said.

He took a deep breath. "Hi, Amanda. It's Lee," he said, keeping his voice casual.

"Hi," she said, sounding less than thrilled to hear his voice. "If you're calling about the assignment, I'm packed ready to go whenever you are. I told Mother and the boys I'd be back in three days. That's right, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he said, tamping down the enthusiasm he felt. "I'll be there in ten minutes."

"All right." She hung up without waiting for him to say goodbye or saying it herself.

'Touché,' Lee thought.

Half an hour later, Amanda was sitting beside him in the Corvette, staring out the window and making very little effort at conversation. No matter how he tried to draw her out, talking about innocuous things such as their supposed assignment and the weather, she barely responded, answering with as few words as possible.

It was disconcerting. Before he left, they had conversed so easily, never experiencing an awkward lull in their conversation, even if they'd been together all day long. He realized what a loss it was and redoubled his efforts.

"So… How are the boys doing? Did Phillip get his grades up? Did Jamie enter that photography competition? That was an amazing shot of that hummingbird last spring," he said, eager to ask more but wanting to let her have a chance to answer him first. He had truly missed hearing about the boys and Amanda's mother while he was away.

He felt her eyes upon him for a long moment and wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she said, "Um, yeah… Phillip got his math grade up to a C, and English Lit up to a B+. I was really proud of him. And Jamie came in second in the contest but he still won a hundred dollars. He put all but ten of it into his college fund."

Lee grinned, genuinely happy at the news. He asked a few more questions, interested in hearing about the two young men who by now should have been his stepsons. He longed to get to know them better, but everything depended on Amanda.

She seemed to come alive talking about the boys and things felt almost natural. After a few minutes, when the lull returned, she said softly, "Thanks for asking about the boys, Lee."

Furrowing his brow, he said, "You don't have to thank me, Amanda, I want to know about them, you know that. I care about them a lot."

Amanda became very quiet and resumed staring out the window. He heard her sigh once and could no longer keep from saying, "Amanda, what is it? Did I say something wrong?"

"No," she said, her voice barely audible.

"Then what is it?" he persisted, completely perplexed by her attitude.

"It's nothing, really," she replied stubbornly.

Lee sighed. She wasn't going to tell him what was bothering her; he would have to give up… for now. Maybe she was remembering Chamberlain's less than enthusiastic attitude toward her sons. Lee hadn't seen much, but he had gathered enough from what he had seen – Alan Chamberlain wasn't family material. "All right," he said easily. "If you change your mind and want to talk, I'm here. Any time, Amanda."

She nodded but didn't reply, and she remained quiet and withdrawn for the remainder of their journey.


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda had drifted off for a few minutes but she woke up as Lee pulled into the driveway of a rustic-looking cabin and parked

Amanda had drifted off for a few minutes but she woke up as Lee pulled into the driveway of a rustic-looking cabin and parked right out front. Stiffly, she sat up and blinked in confusion. "Where are we? I thought we were staying in a hotel," she said, her voice raspy with sleep.

Lee didn't look at her. Instead, he unfastened his seatbelt and stretched slightly within the confines of the 'Vette. "Yeah, about that… We're not exactly on an assignment,

Amanda."

Amanda frowned, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Don't be mad," he said, a pleading note creeping into his voice. When she simply stared at him, he stole a glance at her and went on. "I brought you here so we could have some time alone… so that we could talk."

"What?" she asked incredulously, turning in her seat to glare at him. "Lee Stetson, I can't believe you would do this! We've _already_ talked. If you needed to talk more, we could have done that at home!"

"No, we couldn't," he countered. "You refused to listen to me, Amanda, and whenever I came to your house, you were either never there or were upstairs hiding from me," he argued, fighting to remain calm. "This is killing me, not being able to work things out with you. This is the only way I knew to get the chance to really talk and get things out in the open."

Amanda took off her seatbelt and got out of the car, slamming the door as hard as she could, glad when she saw Lee flinch. Her heart hammering in her chest, she took off walking away from the cabin, following a trail that looked as if it hadn't been used in a long while.

She walked hard and fast for the first half hour, circling around the cabin and then back the way she came, over and over. When she ran out of steam, she slowed down somewhat, occasionally peering from behind a tree to see where Lee was. The first time she checked, he was just sitting in the car, a bleak look on his face. Curious as to why he hadn't followed her, she came back just ten minutes later.

Lee was out of the car, sitting on the porch steps. His elbows rested on his knees and he held his head in his hands. Just when she was about to step forward and reveal herself, she saw him lift his head and rub his face. Stunned, she stood behind the tree, just watching him. He was crying, or he had been moments before.

Amanda felt her heart slowly crumble. Ever since Lee had come back, she had been thinking only of herself and what he had done to her, how he had made her feel. Not once had she thought about what Lee had gone through and that he might be hurting as much as she was or more, but for different reasons.

She sighed softly, walking a little further from the cabin in order to think without seeing her one-time fiancé with tears in his eyes. There was a lot she had to consider. She had so many questions, so much she needed to say, and suddenly she realized that Lee must too. He had hurt her very badly, and right now she didn't know if they could ever get past that… if _she_ could get past it. But if they didn't at least talk, it would burden both of them for the rest of their lives.

If only Lee had come to her before leaving on that plane, this whole situation might have been avoided. Even if he had gone, but then returned her calls or written her that letter to explain, they might not be here now, at odds and uncertain of their relationship. But he hadn't. He had handled things in a way very typical for the old Lee Stetson, she realized with sudden clarity. She had wondered in the very beginning when he left if she were partly to blame… well, what if she _were_? It was so much easier to continue blaming him, but was she really being fair?

Amanda licked her lips. She glanced at her watch, noting that it had been almost an hour since she stormed off. All she could do was go back and agree to take the few days to try and sort things out. If they could avoid getting angry at one another, they might reach an understanding, even if it meant working on rebuilding just their friendship for the time being.

Thus resolved, she turned to go back to Lee and ran straight into his solid chest. Backing up slightly, she could see that he had schooled his features into a mask; no trace of the pained man she'd seen minutes before was left. She opened her mouth to speak, to tell him what she had decided, but he beat her to it.

"I'm sorry to have brought you here. I can see that it was a mistake. If you come back to the car, I can have you home by eight," he said, his voice sounding wooden and flat. "We'll beat the traffic."

He was giving her an out. If she didn't say anything, he would take her home and drop her off, and things would be more difficult and awkward for both of them than ever before. Could she live with that? Did she want to? Looking into his eyes, she stared at him for a long moment. No, she decided, she couldn't live with it. Didn't want to. Wouldn't.

"No," she said, taking a shaky breath.

He frowned. "What?"

"No," she said again. "I don't want to go home. I don't know what'll come of this, but you're right, we have to try. I'm sorry I stormed off earlier. I've been trying to deal with all of this and thought I was doing all right, but I was doing terribly." She paused, unable to interpret his expression. "If you still want to, I'd like to stay and see if we can talk things over."

He blew out a breath and relaxed. "Of course I do," he replied, his voice breaking a little.

"I can't make any promises, Lee," she warned him. "Please don't… please don't take this as a sign that I'm going to change my mind. It's just that… You're right; if we don't talk, it's going to follow us around forever."

"I know," he assured her. "I'm not counting on anything. I'm just glad we'll have a chance to work through things uninterrupted. It's all I ask."

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

Lee had a hard time believing his ears when Amanda said she would stay – that she _wanted_ to stay. He had been so sure that she would return demanding to be taken home that he had come to find her and made the preemptive strike of offering to take her. His heart had nearly jumped right out of his ribcage when she said "No." No, she didn't want to leave. Yes, she wanted to try to talk things over.

He had opened up the cabin and suggested that she relax for a few minutes while he brought in their things. The brochure for the cabin had boasted two bedrooms, but there was only one. The other 'bedroom' was a corner of the living room that had a small futon couch. No matter. He set his things down against the wall and took Amanda's suitcase into the bedroom.

Next he brought in the groceries; there were no towns nearby, so eating out wasn't an option. He had shopped, selecting Amanda's favorite foods. Fortunately, the kitchen was a fully functioning one with cook and bake ware, china, cutlery and flatware. He popped a cork out of a bottle of wine and left it on the counter to breathe.

Loading the refrigerator, he turned and saw Amanda watching him nervously from the kitchen doorway. "Can I help with dinner?" she asked.

Something in her tone told him she wanted something to do. He had been about to tell her to sit down and relax, but instead, he said, "Uh, sure. That would be great. I thought I'd make a frittata, maybe a little salad to go along with it."

She nodded, still ill at ease. "Okay. I'll fix the salad," she offered, moving past him to open the fridge. "Is that all right?"

"Yeah, thanks," he agreed easily. "Wine?"

"Maybe later," she replied, pulling out two kinds of lettuce, tomatoes, onion, cucumber, bell pepper and carrots.

They worked together in near silence and seemed to regain some of their old easiness, at least in the kitchen. As they weren't speaking, except to discuss dinner preparations, they had a ways to go, but it was a start. Lee stole covert glances at Amanda every chance he got. Chopping mushrooms, peppers and onion, Lee threw them into a bowl as he worked.

He couldn't help but notice how good Amanda looked in her blue jeans and pink button-down shirt. The jeans, however, fit her a bit looser than they used to, and he longed to ask her how she was feeling after her recent ordeal. He didn't want to stir up bad memories for her, though, and figured if she wanted to talk about it, she would. Stealing another look, he studied her face as she chopped the cucumber in small, neat discs on the cutting board. She looked different, and it was more than her longer, darker hair, which she wore in a ponytail today. He longed to pull the elastic band out and run his fingers through its silkiness the way he used to do.

Amanda looked up, apparently having noticed that he was standing still just gawking at her. "What?" she asked uneasily.

Lee shook his head apologetically. "Nothing. Sorry."

Half an hour later, Amanda was setting the table as he placed the frittatas onto plates he'd warmed in the oven and used tongs to place salad into glass bowls. As he moved over to the table, Amanda moved back into the kitchen and poured two glasses of wine, setting them down on the table. Lee walked back over with a couple of warm rolls. Amanda didn't hear him, for she turned and bumped right into him, placing her hands on his chest to steady herself.

"Sorry," she said, and moved quickly away, blushing.

Lee's heart had sped up at having her so close, and he wondered how he would get through the next three days keeping his hands off her. Of course, the knowledge that she would light into him with a vengeance if he tried anything was sufficient motivation, he mused.

Dinner passed in almost companionable silence, only an occasional word about the drive there or the frittata or wine passing between them. He continued to watch her whenever he could, and was pleased when he felt her eyes on him a few times, too, though he pretended to be unaware of her scrutiny.

Disappointed that they hadn't yet begun a serious conversation, Lee stood and picked up his plate, moving over to the sink. Though rustic in appearance, the cabin was modernized and included a dishwasher, so clean-up was quick and easy. Pouring them both more wine, Lee suggested they move into the living room.

He sat down on the long couch in front of the fire, and was surprised when Amanda sat on the other end of the couch rather than on one of the matching chairs. For a few minutes they each sipped their wine, and Amanda untied and removed her sneakers, tucking her feet underneath her legs on the couch.

"So," she said softly, looking directly at him. "Are we going to talk tonight? Or are we going to sit here staring at one another when the other isn't looking?" she teased.

A grin spread across his face, he couldn't stop it. She was teasing him! That had to be a good thing. "Ah…" He laughed. "I think we'd better talk. Do you want me to go first?"

Suddenly serious again, she nodded. "Yes. And I'll try to let you finish without interrupting you, but I'm telling you in advance I might not be able to do it."

Lee smiled uncertainly. "Fair enough," he replied. He started talking, and found it a lot easier than he thought he would. First he shared with her how he was feeling so unsure of everything, including her attitude about getting married. Admirably, she merely nodded as he expressed his concerns, and didn't say a word. He wondered if she had already gone over their earlier conversations herself, and come to the same conclusion. She didn't seem at all surprised by anything he was saying.

Over an hour later, he was still speaking, attempting to explain why he had left the way he had, going over once again how as time passed it became easier to avoid dealing with the problem. "So… Do you have any questions about any of that?" he asked her, his mouth dry.

"I guess most of all," she said slowly, "I wonder why you didn't just _talk_ to me. Why didn't you just _tell_ me that you felt I was trying to squash your enthusiasm?"

He shrugged slightly. "Looking back, I'm not sure. I guess I just felt kind of disappointed that you didn't seem as excited as I was. It was sort of… embarrassing, in a way. I don't know. I just felt really vulnerable, like maybe I was more excited and serious about us than you were."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel that way," she explained, her voice soft and full of regret. "I can see why you felt that way though, and I'm sorry. I just… the move would have involved the boys changing schools, having to start all over again with new friends and teachers. It would have meant selling the house and buying a bigger, more expensive house, further away from work and the city. It would have affected my mother, too, and all of her friends and connections. It was overwhelming. You were talking about changing almost everything in our lives. I sort of felt like getting married was such a big change in itself, that it was enoughfor the moment."

It made sense, and he ought to have known it was something like that. In fact, she had tried to explain it at the time, but he hadn't wanted to hear it. "I know, and you were right. You _are _right. I should have just asked you. At the same time, it would have helped if you had told me these things then."

"I realize that." She nodded her agreement and bit her lower lip, looking uncertain. "Lee, I need to know something, and it's going to be hard for me to ask. I won't blame you, if… but it might affect how I ultimately feel about things. About you. Us."

"What? Ask me anything," he said, perplexed at her discomfort.

"And please just tell me the truth," she went on, "because I can't take you lying to me."

He frowned. "I won't lie to you."

"You lied to me to get me up here," she pointed out, slightly annoyed.

"That was different," he replied defensively. "And it wasn't really a lie. I made it sound like an assignment, but I never actually used the word."

She smirked at him, but then grew pensive again. "Okay, fine. What I want to know is… Did you… I mean, were there… You were gone an awfully long time. I always wondered if you ever… If there was anyone else. In England."

Her meaning became clear and he felt his eyes open wide. "Amanda, no! I swear to you, it didn't even enter my mind… I never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking of you as my fiancée."

"Six months, Lee," she persisted, her doubt easy to read. "I… I just… Considering how you went through women before you started dating me, it's just a little hard to believe, is all."

He shook his head. "Amanda, before you, I was searching for something I could never find. At the same time, I was afraid of finding it. Closeness, intimacy… true intimacy has nothing to do with sex, Amanda. I found true intimacy with you."

She was staring at him, watching him closely. "But we never even…"

"It doesn't matter," he said insistently. "I don't want anyone else. Ever again. I wasn't even _tempted_, Amanda. It never even entered my mind, I swear. I would have been cheating on you." She relaxed visibly, but Lee wasn't ready to leave the topic of infidelity quite yet. "What about you?" he asked softly, afraid to hear her answer.

Amanda frowned, looking uncomfortable. "What do you mean, what about me? My situation was a little bit different, if you remember. But no, I didn't. I… I would have felt the same way. I felt guilty enough when Alan kissed me, even when I was sure you had broken things off with me. Gosh, Lee, we were engaged and never… No! Not even close with Alan. I swear it."

He narrowed his eyes, wanting to believe her. He almost _did_. But, like a true intelligence operative, he couldn't let go of the 'evidence'. "What was that 'Alan – New York' note about in your day planner then, huh? You're telling me you went on a platonic trip with him?"

She gasped, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You looked in my calendar!"

"Look who's talking," he shot back. "You were checking out _my_ calendar to see when I would be around the office, so you could make sure you weren't there!"

Having the grace to look sheepish, she gave a short laugh and said, "You figured that out, huh?"

"Yes," he said shortly.

"Well, for your information, Alan went to New York for the weekend. _Alone_," she said heatedly. "I didn't go _with_ him. He asked me to, but I didn't go. I never even considered it."

"But you were dating him," he said petulantly. "You still are, as far as I know. I know it's none of my business, but how serious is it between the two of you, anyway?"

Amanda stared into the flames of the fire. "It's not," she said with a sigh. "It's over. We broke it off… recently. It wasn't working… for me. And that's what I told him."

He could have grinned at the news. Hell, he could have gotten up and done a happy dance around the room, but he sat still, waiting for more, which never came. Finally he said, "Why not? Why didn't it work for you?"

She squirmed a bit before answering. "Because when you came back, I… I wasn't expecting you to want to pick up where we left off. I had convinced myself it was over, so that I wouldn't be heartbroken all over again if you came back and didn't want anything to do with me. When you made it clear that wasn't the case… I got confused. It… it wasn't fair to Alan to stay with him when I was so conflicted."

He nodded slowly, wondering if there was more to it than that, but knowing she would never admit more than she already had. It was enough, knowing that his return and desire to be with her had created a conflict. "But you did date him. I hate that he kissed you, Amanda. I… I saw you with him one night, in the kitchen. I can't tell you what that did to me."

"Spying on me again?" Turning toward him, she scowled slightly. "Lee, as far as I knew, you and I were _over_. I couldn't contact you to confirm it, but your silence was pretty indicative. How long did you want me to wait for you to come home and keep wearing your ring? A year? Three? Five?"

"I know," he conceded. She was right, but it still hurt. "I'm sorry. But put yourself in my shoes," he began.

"You put yourself in _my_ shoes," she challenged. "_You_ knew what was going on. _You _held all the cards. _I_ knew nothing, Lee. I was hurt and confused. I tried to get hold of you several times by phone, even calling when it was two and three in the morning, your time. You never answered or called back. You didn't even write back when I sent you letters. Talk about feeling embarrassed," she said pointedly. "I felt like an unwanted pest, just like you made me feel when we first met. I think that takes the cake!"

He was contrite. She definitely had gone through a tougher time than he had. Everything she had suffered, he had caused directly. It made him feel sick with guilt. He was about to say something to that effect when she stood up and set down her wineglass.

"I'm tired," she announced. "I'm going to bed."

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK **_

In her room, Amanda was shaking as she unpacked her things for bed. After changing into her nightgown, she realized that as there was no private bathroom, she would have to leave the room to brush her teeth and wash her face before bed.

She opened the door and peeked out, but didn't see Lee anywhere. Maybe he was in the kitchen. Stepping out into the living room, she saw that he had pulled out the futon and gotten a pillow and blanket from the linen closet. The bathroom door was closed and she could hear Lee moving around inside. Before she could do anything, the door opened and he stepped out, wearing only a low-slung pair of pajama bottoms. Bare-chested and barefoot, he stared at her in surprise.

"Amanda!" he exclaimed. "I'm sorry; I should have let you get in there first. I didn't even think about it."

'Eyes up a bit higher,' she chastised herself, tearing her gaze away from his exposed flesh. All she could think about was reaching out and touching the warm skin of his chiseled torso. "That's okay," she replied, her voice trembling. "I'll only be a minute."

The short hallway to the bathroom was dark, lit only by a dim crescent-shaped nightlight. In her nervousness, Amanda tripped slightly over a braided rug and lost her balance. Lee moved forward and reached out, lightly gripping her shoulders to steady her. When she straightened, Amanda ended up with her back to the wall and almost every inch of Lee Stetson's body pressed against her. Had he stumbled too? Or had he deliberately moved her into a compromising position?

Both of them froze for a long moment, the contact electrifying and undeniably intimate. Amanda was unsure what to do. Why wasn't Lee moving away, apologizing? Why didn't she _want_ him to move? If she tried to slide out from between him and the wall, she might only make matters worse, creating unwanted friction. It would be better if Lee would back away, but he wasn't doing so. She could feel his body heat radiating through the thin cotton of her nightgown. She didn't know whether to curse or congratulate herself for not putting on her robe.

Risking a look up at him, she was startled by the expression on his face. He had shaved, she noted inanely. And he smelled wonderful – he was wearing her favorite aftershave. His lips were parted slightly and his breathing was a bit uneven. His pupils were dilated, his eyes hooded, making him look sultry and inviting, and he appeared to be staring at her lips.

Amanda's world narrowed and narrowed until all she felt was Lee's body and all she saw was him, staring at her. Not more than ten seconds could have passed, yet it felt like much longer, and she found she didn't want it to end. Her mind was screaming to get away, that this was dangerous, but her body and her emotions had other ideas. This was a man she had agreed to marry not so long ago.

Lee's eyes had closed and she watched in fascination as he swallowed hard. His hands were flat against the wall at either side of her head. If she wanted to, all she would have to do is raise up onto her toes and brush her lips against his…

But she wasn't ready. Not yet. It might lead to something neither of them were prepared for… well, at least she wasn't. At the same time, she didn't want him to think she was upset or unwilling to consider getting close to him again if their time together went well. Settling for a compromise, Amanda placed a gentle hand against Lee's chest, his bare skin sending electricity down her arm. At the same time, she heard him gasp at her touch.

"Excuse me," she said, and the huskiness in her voice startled her. As she moved away from between the cabin wall and Lee, she let her fingernails lightly graze his nipple.

Without looking back, she went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, gratified to hear a stifled groan escape Lee's lips. She was trembling again, but this time for a very different reason, and she cursed her traitorous body. Hurriedly, she brushed her teeth and washed her face. A few minutes later, she opened the door to find the cabin doused of its lights, the only illumination coming from the flames of the fireplace.

Moving along the wall to her room, she could barely make out Lee's still form, propped up a bit against his pillow as if he were watching her.

"Goodnight," she whispered.

"Goodnight, Amanda," he answered, his voice sending imaginary fingers dancing along her spine.

In the safety of the bedroom, Amanda slid between the sheets and sought a comfortable position, unable to keep the thought from popping into her head that nothing would be as comfortable as if Lee were in here with her, his arms wrapped around her, his body molded to hers.

She pushed the idea out of her mind, annoyed. It was imperative that she remain objective and not give in to the passion and intense attraction she obviously still shared with Lee. Sighing, Amanda hoped she would fall asleep quickly, and wondered if Lee would make an appearance in her dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

Lee lay on the short bed of the futon, pondering the events of the day

Lee lay on the short bed of the futon, pondering the events of the day. Unable to sleep, he replayed it all, from the time he picked up Amanda to how close they had come to sharing another kiss in the hallway. Amanda still desired him; he had seen it in her expressive brown eyes, felt it in her body's response to his. He had also seen her fighting that desire. Whether she was merely being careful until things were sorted out or she just honestly didn't want to rekindle their romance at all, he wasn't sure. Maybe, like him, she wanted to get the serious discussions out of the way before becoming emotionally tangled again.

It had felt incredible having her so close, feeling her lithe body pressed between himself and the wall. She had seemed to enjoy it as much as he had. Even now, he felt a yearning to have her close, even just to hold her in his arms. It was fast becoming a physical ache, and he hoped they could resolve everything so that he could go back to touching her whenever he wanted to. With every other woman in his life, he had eventually grown tired of holding and kissing them. With Amanda, his desire for her intensified steadily; he knew he would never get his fill of her.

Lee finally drifted off to sleep after lying awake most of the night. When he woke up the next morning, he was surprised to find that he felt great, as if he'd slept a full eight hours. He half expected to find Amanda in the kitchen fixing breakfast, but there was no sign of her. Picking up his watch, he was surprised to find that it was after ten – no wonder he felt so rested!

The bedroom door stood open. Standing, he pulled on a T-shirt and shuffled over to peer into the empty room. The bed was made and everything was tidy, but no Amanda. In the kitchen, he found signs that Amanda had fixed herself breakfast, but again, she was nowhere to be found.

Quickly, Lee showered and dressed. Filling a mug with coffee, he stepped outside onto the porch and glanced around. Amanda must have decided to go on a walk. He wished he'd been awake; he would have liked to have gone with her. It would have been a good opportunity to finish their conversation from last night. Somewhere around here there was a lake that was great for swimming, or so he'd been told. Maybe they could try to find it together.

"Hey, sleepy-head," Amanda said, appearing around the corner of the cabin. "You're up."

He smiled at the tone of her voice, teasing and light. "I had a hard time getting to sleep last night," he said, giving her a significant look. "Too many thoughts running around in my head, I guess."

"I'm glad I didn't wake you up," she commented, ignoring his reference to their brief but scintillating hallway liaison. "You probably needed the sleep."

Lee nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. This polite chatter would be the death of him. All he wanted was to return to the intimate, comfortably familiar way they had shared before he went and screwed it all up. As he watched, Amanda came up the stairs, careful to stay as far away as she could. She was still keeping distance between them, physically as well as emotionally. And who was he to complain? He was the one who had set them oceans apart, wasn't he?

She gave him a small smile as she stepped into the house. "I could use another cup of coffee," she said, disappearing inside. He followed, his eyes glued to her jean-clad backside and long legs. Mesmerized, he watched her remove her grey zip-up sweatshirt to reveal a short-sleeved white T-shirt beneath. It hugged her lithe figure admirably, and again his fingers itched to touch her.

As if she sensed his attention, she moved away from him and into the kitchen, filling her mug with coffee and adding a bit of cream. She self-consciously stepped into the living room and sat down. Lee topped off his own coffee and once again followed her. He noticed her eyes on him as he moved into the room and sat down next to her. Then she seemed to realize what she was doing, and she blushed faintly.

"This feels so strange," she said after a moment. "I almost feel like we're starting all over, from square one… only we have a history now."

Lee didn't know quite how to respond. Was she saying too much time had passed, and starting over wasn't a good thing? Or was she saying that they were starting over and that she wanted to get back to where they had been? "It does seem a bit awkward," he agreed. "But I hope we're working past that. Do you? I mean… Where do you see us heading, Amanda?"

She shifted, obviously nervous. "I don't know, Lee, I'm not sure."

"Oh," he said, disappointed. He'd been hoping that after their discussion, she would see things a bit more clearly and understand that he had just had some things to work out for himself. That she wasn't sure where she wanted to go from here was not what he had wanted to hear. "Do you think we _can_ work this out?"

She took a sip of coffee, appearing to mull the question over. "I didn't think so at first. I didn't even want to try. Now… It's not that I don't _want_ to work things out, Lee, but this will always be between us. We can't change the past."

Lee's heart began to pound as he shook his head in the negative. "No, we can't, but we can make sure it doesn't happen again," he said cautiously.

She didn't respond, didn't even look up at him, so he continued, desperate to make her understand. "Amanda, when I heard what had happened to you, I realized that even when I'm away from you, you can be in danger. So my whole reason for doing what I did is just… invalid."

Amanda frowned slightly. "I don't want you thinking you have to be with me in order to protect me."

"That wasn't my point and you know it," he said firmly. "I love you – I've already told you that. _I love you_. _That's_ why I want to be with you. I never stopped loving you, Amanda. Is that what you thought?"

Again, she didn't answer. Instead, she stood up. "I'm going outside for a while," she said. "No, please don't follow me. I just need some air."

Lee watched her walk outside, everything inside him screaming to go with her. Not because he feared for her safety, but because he felt her withdrawing from him. Despite getting things out into the open between them, he sensed that she was trying to build an even bigger wall between them, and he worried that he would never be able to scale it.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Amanda walked until she was no longer in sight of the cabin. Stopping, she crossed her arms in front of herself, wishing she had thought to grab her sweatshirt. Her mind, as well as her heart, was a jumble of confusion at the moment. She still had serious qualms about forgiving Lee enough to pick up where they had left off, but at the same time, she was tempted to take him in her arms and comfort away his guilt and sadness. She was more affected than she cared to admit at the naked hope she saw on his face every time she looked at him.

What had happened to that smug, carefree agent she had met over three years ago? Lee had gone through so many changes since she had known him. It was the Lee she knew now, or at least the Lee she knew before he went for his assignment with MI-6, whom she loved and wanted to marry. And yet, how could she ever trust him again? No, it wasn't as if he had been unfaithful – at least she could put those fears to rest now – but he _had_ left her.

Her emotions and her body were way ahead of her mind, and the conflict was tearing her apart. She could see that Lee didn't understand that. She knew that he feared she was trying to maintain distance from him for entirely different reasons than were true. Her attraction to him was, if anything, far stronger now than it had ever been. But how could she tell him that she had to keep some space between them so that she wouldn't throw herself on him, knock him to the floor and ravish him?

It was far more than physical, too. Amanda wasn't trying to fool herself anymore. She loved him. She loved him more now than she ever had, and part of that was because of the fact that he had risked everything by basically kidnapping her and bringing her to an isolated cabin in the woods! There was no way Joe would have ever gone to such lengths to keep her or get her back. It made her feel incredibly wanted, especially since it was Lee Stetson pursuing her, a man who just a couple of years ago never wanted to see her again. It was, she realized, another way of cornering her, keeping her close. Warmth spread through her body despite the chill in the air.

Rational thinking was nearly impossible with him sitting so close to her. The time they'd spent apart had only heightened her longing for him, a fact she had been more easily able to ignore when he was still overseas. Now, every time she looked at him, her heart threatened to take over and give in to him entirely. But she knew that if she allowed that to happen, she would still have doubts.

The fact of the matter was that he had run away, and not for a short period of time, not for a bit of space or a chance to think, but for almost half a year. And he hadn't said goodbye. Finding out he was gone had come as a painful shock to her. She didn't know if she would _ever_ get over it completely.

Amanda sighed. It seemed to be hopeless. She knew what Lee wanted, but what did _she_ want? Rather, what did she need? If she told Lee to forget about her, if she tried again to move on with her life, she might find a man who would never run away, but would she love him? Would she find passion with anyone else? She didn't think so. If she'd never met and fallen in love with Lee, it might have happened with someone else. But now… how could she ever find anyone who could compare?

Alan Chamberlain was quite a catch by any woman's standards. He was kind, mannerly, passionate, well-off, and he had his own hair, as her mother was fond of pointing out. Yet romance with him had all but fallen flat. Every time he had kissed her, she had thought of Lee Stetson, wishing it were his arms around her instead. Maybe she just hadn't given herself enough time. How much time do you need to get over the love of your life, anyway?

She heard him come up behind her but she didn't turn around. He approached her from behind, and she was surprised when his arms went around her, placing her sweatshirt over her shoulders. Gratefully, she pulled it more snugly around her, to the extent that she could do so with Lee's arms still encircling her. When she didn't pull away, she felt him step closer and pull her back against him. Automatically, she resisted, and she heard him sigh.

"What else can I say to you?" he asked, his voice a husky whisper in her ear.

She closed her eyes, both against the seductive sound of his voice and the tears that threatened to fall. "I don't know," she said honestly.

Lee was silent for a long moment and then he said, "I'm not going to give up, Amanda. You might as well know that right now. I don't know how to fix what I did wrong, but I will _never_ stop trying. I can't turn back time; I can't change what happened. But I… I can't let go of you. I _won't_."

Why was it that he had the ability to make her swoon with a few possessive and determined words? Not to mention the way he was clinging to her, his chin resting on her head, his heart hammering against her back. It felt so good to be held by him, in the circle of his strong arms, resting against his broad, solid chest. When he held her like this, she could almost forget all of her doubts and fears and just… be.

But those same doubts and fears would continue to plague her, just as they had last night. The worst recurring dream she had was one in which she received a phone call. The speaker was always female, with a crisp British voice. It always informed her, coldly and politely, that Lee had been killed overseas, on assignment. The dream made no sense, of course; any such call would have been made to the Agency, not her home. Still, dreams didn't have to make sense to make an impression, and this one had.

"Lee," she began, not really sure how to phrase her question. Gently she pulled away and took a few steps, turning to face him. He was watching her expectantly. "Did you… I mean… Before the whole thing with Khai's family, and you were talking about a horse and a house in the country… Did you feel like I was _against _all that? Did I really make you feel like I wasn't as excited as you were?"

He looked off in the distance, his jaw tightening. "What does all that matter now, Amanda?"

Her heart melted a few more degrees. Even when she was trying to admit that she might be partially to blame, he was willing to take it all on himself. She couldn't let him do that. "I need to know. It's important that I know. Even if it was only a small part of what was going on with you. Tell me."

Lee sighed heavily, looking down at his feet and then up at her. "I… Yeah. A little. I just… I felt like I was the only one who wanted to plan our life together, you know? It made me a bit uncertain, like maybe you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with me after all. But it didn't hit me until later, when I'd had a chance to think about it alone." He shrugged, but she could see that the memory pained him.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly. "I was thinking about the boys and their school and friends, and mother… and the expense of it all and the upkeep… But I didn't really explain any of that to you. I remember I just kept telling you to cool off and put on the brakes a bit. I should have been more sensitive."

"Don't blame yourself, Amanda," he said gently. "I don't. Mostly, I was afraid that by being together, we would be inviting trouble. When Khai's boy was kidnapped, all I could think of was what if it were Phillip or Jamie?"

She nodded. "I know; so did I. But Lee, it doesn't take being in our line of work for bad things to happen. Things happen every day, to all kinds of people."

"You're right," he conceded.

Amanda longed to go to Lee and put her arms around him, but she didn't… couldn't. Not yet. If he had died while over there, without having said goodbye to her, he would have left her forever wondering what had happened. It wasn't exactly the most rational grudge to hold on to, but Amanda was unable to let it go. It could have happened. And it would have doomed her to be miserable without him for the rest of her life. It had happened, over and over, in a recurring dream that still plagued her from time to time.

At the recollection of the dream, she shuddered, gooseflesh crawling over her skin. Mistaking the action for a chill, Lee held out his hand to her and said, "Are you still cold? Let's go inside by the fire."

She stared at his hand for a moment. Lee had such strong hands. Hands that had always made her feel safe, even when she wasn't wanted. Licking her lips, she felt for the first time that maybe there was hope for them yet. Placing her hand in his, she let him lead her back to the cabin.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Lee smiled to himself as he prepared hamburgers to barbeque that evening. After their discussion in the woods, Amanda had seemed to warm to him a bit. They had passed the day companionably enough. The old camaraderie wasn't quite back yet, but it was lurking beneath the surface. They had talked a bit more, mostly rehashing what they felt they really needed the other to understand. Then they had worked together to make a dessert for tonight, laughing together when Amanda dropped an egg on the floor after bumping into him.

Lifting his eyes, he saw Amanda, sitting by the fire sipping her wine. She looked beautiful, he noted. Her dark hair, softly curling down her back, was an alluring contrast to her skin and ivory sweater. He could imagine kissing her wine-tinted lips, and as he did so, he looked down to see that he was nervously shredding apart the ground beef. Forming it back into a patty, he set it on a plate and seasoned it.

"Are you sure you don't need any help in there?" Amanda called. "I feel restless just sitting here doing nothing."

Lee laughed. "That's because you never give yourself time to relax. Just stay there; the burgers are almost ready for the grill. Everything else is already done."

"Okay," she agreed, resigned.

Two hours later the burgers were eaten and the kitchen was cleaned. Lee sat down on the couch and handed Amanda a bowl of the pear pudding they had made together earlier in the afternoon. They ate in near silence, the only sound being their respective sounds of appreciation over the dessert.

Lee glanced at the clock. "It's eight-thirty."

Amanda tilted her head. "Don't tell me you're tired already," she said teasingly. "Not after how late you slept in this morning."

"No," he said with a grin. "I was going to say that time's flying."

She nodded, her eyes on the fire. "Yeah, it is."

"How about some music?" he asked, standing and moving over to the stereo unit. "There should be at least a few stations coming in out here."

Amanda nodded, keeping her eyes on Lee whenever he wasn't watching. His jeans hugged his legs and rear, and she felt her face flush warmly. Lee squatted down to fiddle with the reception and she had to take a deep breath. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all…

Finding a soft rock station, Lee straightened and turned to Amanda. She struggled to keep her eyes on his, and not on his chest or flat abdomen. Holding a hand out, he said, "Dance with me."

She hesitated, not sure she could handle that intimacy just yet. Still, her hand reached out to take his and he helped her up off the couch. He kept her at arms length, seeming to be aware of her nervousness. Before Lee had left, they had often slow-danced in his living room after dinner, before she rushed home to her family.

They didn't speak, just danced slowly, swaying back and forth. One of his hands rested on her waist, the other held her hand. Her free hand rested on his shoulder. Amanda kept her gaze trained on the second button of his shirt, but she could feel his eyes watching her. Unable to stop herself, she looked up and was surprised by the intensity of his stare.

Another song started, and Lee hesitantly pulled her a bit closer, splaying his hand out over her lower back. She felt a pleasant tingle dance up her spine and looked away from him again. It felt so right, dancing together like this. If she could only forget what he had done, it would be perfect. But she couldn't forget, and she was having a hard time forgiving, too.

"This station seems to come in pretty clear," she commented, desperate to break the awkward quiet between them.

When Lee didn't answer, she glanced at him and saw that he was still watching her. Her first reaction was to look away, but something in his eyes captivated and held her attention. He had somehow drawn her even closer; their bodies were almost touching now. When he started moving his head toward hers, she almost pulled away. But she didn't. She stayed where she was, mesmerized by the determined look on his face. She moved her hand out of his and rested it on his shoulder.

Lee reached up and lightly caressed Amanda's cheek before moving his hand to the back of her head, his fingers lightly stroking her. Applying gentle pressure, he tilted her face toward his. His eyes were now focused on her lips.

"Lee," she whispered.

He shook his head, swallowing hard. "Damn it, I've tried, Amanda," he told her, his voice softly gruff. "I've really tried, but I just can't wait any longer."

"Wait any longer for what?" she asked nervously, her eyes darting to his. His gaze was trained on her lips, however. Closing her mouth, she swallowed hard. She should have moved away right at that moment, but she couldn't. She couldn't have stopped him from what he was about to do if she'd wanted to, but she found that she didn't _want _to stop him at all.

"You know," he replied huskily, drawing closer to her, their bodies now pressed together. He had stopped dancing, but kept one arm around her, pressing her firmly against him.

With painstaking slowness, Lee leaned forward just enough to lightly brush his lips against hers. Amanda felt a soft sigh escape her lips as her eyes fluttered closed. Lee must have sensed her reluctant surrender, because in the next instant, his lips covered hers in a gentle kiss that quickly built in intensity. Her hands clenched fistfuls of his shirt as she desperately tried to keep her wits about her.

The feel of his body snugly against hers sent her senses into overdrive. The taste of his kiss as he plundered her mouth with his tongue, the feel of his hands as they cautiously roamed her sides and hips, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his fevered groan all coalesced until Amanda felt intoxicated.

He continued to kiss her as if his life depended upon it. He was gentle yet insistent, barely giving either of them a chance to breathe, as if he feared the moment would fade if they broke apart. Finally though, he moved his lips from hers and began a dizzying assault on her neck as his hand slipped under her sweater to caress the soft skin of her back.

"I've missed this, Amanda," he told her, his voice trembling, the words slightly slurred. "I've missed you _so_ much. I just can't keep my hands off you."

Amanda's head fell back, rag doll style. He was hardly playing fair, saying things like that, touching her that way. The situation was quickly spinning out of control, ashis warm breath and mouth on her neck and collarbone were sending her thoughts into tempting and dangerous territory.

"Lee," she managed, hearing the suppressed passion in her voice.

He reluctantly lifted his head to look at her, and she couldn't help but be moved by the sight of him, fevered and flushed. "Hmm?"

She sighed again, not entirely sure what she was about to say was what she wanted to say. Annoyed more with herself than with him, she said, "We're getting a little… ahead of ourselves."

His brow furrowed and then his eyes widened. He backed up, putting some distance between them. Running a hand through his hair, he looked everywhere but at her. She could see his jaw tensing as he nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I know you told me not to do that again but I… I couldn't help myself, Amanda. I've just missed you so damn much."

Amanda knew immediately that she had hurt him. "It's okay, just… it's okay. It's fairly obvious that there's still an enormous attraction between us. It's just that… it's a little too soon for me."

He nodded and glanced her way uncomfortably. "You're right. I guess I just got a little… carried away."

Amanda licked her lips nervously and nodded. She should have taken part of the blame upon herself, but she couldn't find the words. She had enjoyed his attentions every bit as much as he had apparently enjoyed giving them. "I just… Lee, I still care a lot about you. I just don't want to move things too quickly in case we don't... I mean, it's going to take some time for us to get back to where we were, if we're even able to."

Lee shook his head, his hazel eyes glittering determinedly. "We _will _get back there, Amanda, no matter how long it takes. It's not a matter of if, but when."


	7. Chapter 7

Lee awoke early the next morning when he heard Amanda go into the bathroom

Lee awoke early the next morning when he heard Amanda go into the bathroom. Hearing the water running for her shower, he groaned and rolled over, nearly falling off the futon. After kissing Amanda the night before, the rest of the evening had been a bit awkward but not too uncomfortable. He smiled as he recalled how she had responded to him, kissing him back and pressing into him. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but he was encouraged that she hadn't become angry or distant with him. Instead, she had seemed pensive and shy for the rest of the night. Several times, he had caught her staring at him.

Their last day together passed quickly. Cooking together, taking a walk, playing games in front of the fire and talking some more took up most of their time. Lee had asked a lot of questions about how Amanda had been while he was away. He felt like he had missed out on a lot, which he had. He wanted to know more about how the boys and Dotty were doing, asking about things he remembered from before he left. Amanda had again seemed surprised and pleased that he was so interested.

Before he knew it, it was evening once again. They sat in front of the fire sipping their wine. The car was already packed except for the things they would need in the morning and food for a light breakfast. Lee had put the radio on again but was disappointed when Amanda declined a dance. She was, no doubt, afraid of a reprisal of last night's passionate and unplanned kiss.

Lee would have sat up talking all night, but Amanda said she was tired and wanted to go to bed since they were getting up early to head for home. He felt tense for several reasons. He still didn't know what was going on inside Amanda's head; he could sense that to a degree, she was still shutting him out. There had been no resolution between them, which is what he had been hoping for. He had no idea if she was leaning toward forgiving him or if she wanted to leave things as they were. He had no right to be upset with her after what he had done, but he felt frustrated and uneasy on their last evening together. If she went home and requested not to work with him anymore, Billy would approve it and back her up.

He knew she was thawing toward him somewhat, but it was difficult to gauge to what degree. She had admitted still being attracted to him physically, but what he wanted to hear more than anything was that she still loved him, and she hadn't said those words or even implied them. At first, he had been so sure that she did love him still… now he wasn't so positive.

Disappointed, he watched as she rose and stretched, said goodnight to him, and headed for her room. He was tempted to follow her and demand to hear her decision. He thought longingly of the bed and then looked at his own hated futon. Not only did the bed have Amanda but it was also, he was sure, far more comfortable than his sleeping arrangements.

After Amanda had finished in the bathroom and gone to bed, he brushed his teeth and changed into his pajama bottoms. He rarely slept in a T-shirt; he had been surprised he'd kept his pants on both previous nights. Normally he just kicked out of them in his sleep on the nights he wore anything to begin with, but subconsciously he must have been aware of Amanda's presence. She would have gotten quite a shock to walk out of her bedroom in the morning to find him sleeping nude on the miniscule futon.

Not tired yet, Lee sat down on the couch in front of the fire, using the time alone to think about how badly he had screwed everything up in the last six months of his life. If only he had come to Amanda and talked to her honestly about his concerns, he knew she would have understood and probably been able to calm his ragged nerves.

If he lost her, he would have only himself to blame. Lee closed his eyes, placing his hands behind his head. He felt drowsy, pleasantly warmed by the flames. Feeling himself drift off to sleep, he slipped down into the couch, wondering why he hadn't opted to sleep there to begin with. It was far more comfortable than the damn futon.

Something awakened Lee in the hour after midnight. It wasn't a sound, but a feeling… a sensation that something was wrong. Instantly alert, he sat up and listened, hearing nothing. After a moment, he realized it was something to do with Amanda. He knew instinctively that she was upset. How, he wasn't sure. He hadn't heard her cry out or scream, but every nerve in his body was telling him to go to her.

He stood and hurried over to the bedroom door, stopping right outside. "Amanda?" he asked quietly, not wanting to barge in.

Now that he was so close, he could hear her crying quietly. Worry flooded him and he wondered if she had decided to tell him to forget about getting back together. Even if that was the case, he hated to hear her so upset. He turned the knob slowly and swung the door open, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. The window was cracked open and Amanda was on her side, hugging her pillow, the blankets and sheets kicked down around her feet. He smiled softly, distracted for a moment by the thought that they would be very compatible sleepers; he rarely used covers either.

She was on her side, facing him. Moving over to the bedside, he kneeled down, stroking hair away from Amanda's face. She didn't seem to notice his presence; she must still be asleep. Even so, she continued to cry silently; his finger on her cheek came away wet with fresh tears. Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, he rubbed it down to her elbow and back up.

"Amanda," he whispered. "Wake up."

His vision having adjusted to the darkness, he saw her frown in her sleep, sniffling. Then, as he continued to soothe her, her eyes opened and she stared at him, disconcerted. He waited for her angry demand that he get out of her room, but she sat up slowly, staring at him in confusion.

"Lee?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm here. What's the matter?"

Instead of answering, she flung her arms around him, nearly knocking him off balance. Surprised, he wrapped his arms around her, relishing the feel of her against him in only her lightweight nightgown. He was startled to find that she was still crying, holding onto him tightly. Slowly, he got up off of his knees and sat beside her on the bed, pulling her into his lap. Again he waited for her to push him away, but she only wrapped her arms around his torso, her hands on his bare skin a tantalizing pleasure.

"I'm sorry," she managed between crying jags. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

He chuckled softly. "Well, of course you didn't mean to wake me up. And you didn't. I woke up on my own, and I knew something was wrong."

She tensed. "What do you mean?"

"Intuition, I guess," he said. "I just… knew. Just like I did before."

"Before?" she asked, her tears abating. "What are you talking about?"

Lee held her tighter. "When I came home, it was because I knew there was something going on… that you were in danger or were hurt. I called Billy and he confirmed it. I just… I _knew_ there was something wrong."

Amanda exhaled roughly. "Oh my gosh," was all she said, but he could hear in her voice that she was deeply affected by his words. He was, too. Their bond, it seemed, was not only intact but stronger than ever.

He moved Amanda's pillow against the headboard and then leaned against it, bringing Amanda with him. She seemed more than willing to stay in his arms, and to his delight she snuggled against him. It was another heartening sign, and he was more than happy to hold her for as long as she wanted him there.

"Now," he said, once they were settled. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, really," she began.

Lee sighed, running his hand up and down Amanda's back. "I'm not buying it this time, Amanda. I've known since we got here that there's something you aren't telling me. Out with it."

"Okay," she agreed quietly, sounding relieved. "After you left and I couldn't reach you, I was really angry at you for a long time. Then I just felt sad and confused, and I started worrying about you being over there… I started having nightmares. Sometimes it was someone calling me to tell me you'd been shot or stabbed and were dead… other times it was Mr. Melrose or someone from the Agency telling me. Those nightmares were so real, I would wake up shaking. I hadn't had one in a while but… I had one last night."

Closing his eyes, he held her tighter, feeling her do the same. "I'm sorry," he said, at a loss for words. How could you apologize for causing something so traumatic to someone you loved? There were no adequate words. "I'm so sorry, Amanda."

She nodded against his chest, still sniffling. "I know," she whispered.

He heard the unspoken undercurrent. She knew he was sorry, but she still couldn't forgive him. And who could blame her? She could go on having the same nightmare for years into the future. He had done this to her; had made her doubt his love for her and wonder if he were overseas, back to his old lifestyle. She had worried, feared, cried, raged, and not known if he were ever coming back. Whatever she decided, if she didn't want him anymore, it was his own fault.

Filled with self-recrimination, Lee ascertained that Amanda was no longer crying and had calmed down enough to go back to sleep. For several minutes he held her, running a hand up and down her arm in an attempt to comfort her. From time to time, he whispered soothing words, until finally he thought that perhaps she had fallen asleep. Giving her arm a pat, he began to move out from under her, scooting his legs toward the edge of the bed.

"Wait," she said, her hands flat against his chest. "Will you… will you stay with me?"

He nodded in the dark, his heart racing. "If you want me to."

"I do," she said in the dark. "Please stay."

Lee moved down further on the bed, rearranging the pillows again, and laid back. Amanda had moved off his lap but as soon as he was comfortable, he felt her move closer to lie right next to him, their arms touching. Smiling in the dark, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so happy. Reaching out to her, he took her hand in his, gratified when she didn't pull away.

About an hour later, Lee felt Amanda turn toward him and fling an arm and leg over him. Though he'd been about to drift off to sleep, he woke up enough to enjoy the sensation for as long as he could before drowsiness overcame him once again. This was what he wanted with all his heart - having the woman he loved lying snugly against him.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Sunshine filtered through the pale curtains, filling the room with light. Amanda woke slowly, fighting it off and wanting just another few minutes of sleep. Memories of the previous night came to her in a rush at the same instant she realized that Lee was pinning her to the bed with half his body. She nearly stopped breathing, wondering if he were awake yet. From his leaden hold on her and his deep breathing, she gathered he was still asleep.

Frowning, Amanda shifted just slightly. Raising her head a bit, she looked down and felt her face flush hotly. Lee's pajama bottoms had gone missing, leaving him clad only in a pair of blue cotton boxers. His bare leg was draped over both of hers; her nightgown had ridden up the way it always did by morning. At home she sometimes favored shorter ones for this very reason.

Her focus shifted to Lee's arm, flung possessively over her torso. There was no doubt about it; she was pretty much trapped until he woke up. Not that she was complaining. In fact, she was hoping he would sleep for a while. Her 'prison' was by no means unpleasant.

Lee stirred in his sleep, mumbling softly. "S'okay, Amanda." He brought his leg up higher, dragging her gown right along with it, until it rested high on her thighs. He shifted his arm, too, moving it until his hand was cupping her right breast.

'Oh, my gosh,' Amanda thought, feeling her body respond to his touch. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She resisted the urge to laugh as she reminded herself that Lee was asleep and was _not _copping a feel. After a moment, she calmed down and again tried to just enjoy the intimacy of being in bed with Lee Stetson, a first for her even though they had been engaged.

Her mind wandered to the nightmare she'd had last night which had brought him to her side. He had said that he didn't hear her cry out, that he just woke up and sensed something was wrong. He had also revealed that it was why he had come home when he did… he had known she was hurt. What did that say about their relationship? She had felt a strong connection to Lee, long before she felt a romantic one. At times she had suspected that he felt the same way. Would it remain in effect if she told him she didn't want to be with him anymore?

But then, she didn't really want to tell him that at all anymore. The more time she spent with him, the more time she wanted. She was beginning to feel hopeful and somewhat positive that they could eventually restore their relationship to what it was before Lee left. If she were honest with herself, she knew that she had seen small things that should have alerted her to how Lee was feeling. If she'd been more responsive to his needs, perhaps he wouldn't have left in the first place.

He had been under a lot of pressure; he was the one whose life would undergo a huge change upon getting married. Not only would he be married, but he would be a step-father and have a mother-in-law. He would be the one to eventually move out of his apartment, get rid of most of his possessions. She had been married before, but Lee never had. What had happened with Khai had added a whole new dimension of not only gaining a family but the risk of losing them.

Suddenly, Lee's hand started kneading her breast. Stifling a surprised yelp, she brought her hand up to cover his, gently moving it down to her ribcage. As soon as she moved her hand though, he moved it back and resumed his ministrations. Lee's head rested on her other shoulder. Glancing at him, she knew he was still soundly asleep. Well, it was time to wake him up. Still, if he werethis skilled in his sleep, Amanda had to wonder what it would be like with him awake…

"Lee," she whispered, her voice trembling. "Wake up."

His only response was to hmm softly, moving his hand down to squeeze her hip as he whispered her name in a gravelly voice. Amanda closed her eyes, again reminding herself that he was asleep and therefore unaccountable. Grasping his hand again, she moved it away from her lower body.

A little louder, she said again, "Lee!"

This time, he shifted so that he was lying more fully on top of her, mumbling her name again. She knew he was dreaming of her, and wondered exactly what his dream was about, although she had a pretty good idea. His face was in the crook of her neck. Seconds later, she felt him begin planting kisses below her ear, his hand sliding slowly back up to her breast. She slapped him lightly on the back.

"Oh my gosh. Lee, you have to wake up now!"

Lee startled and then raised his head, opening his eyes slowly to look at her. "Hmm, morning," he said, his voice still gravelly. Then his eyes moved from her face to his hand, which he moved as if it had been burned. His eyes widening, he looked back at Amanda and frowned. "Was I… I mean, how long had… did I…"

"That must have been some dream you were having, Scarecrow," Amanda commented dryly, secretly amused by his reaction.

"Amanda, I'm so sorry," he said, his face growing pink. Glancing down, he stared at their bare legs entwined and slowly moved his leg down hers. "What the hell…"

She raised one eyebrow and teased, "Looks like it got a little warm in here last night."

Dropping his head to the pillow, he groaned. "Why are you joking about this?"

"Because it's funny," she answered honestly. What was the use in both of them getting embarrassed after all? "We can't seem to keep our hands off one another even in sleep."

He groaned again and then laughed. "You're right about that, at least on my account," he commented wryly. Sitting up, he found his pajama pants at the bottom of the bed. Amanda averted her eyes as he pulled them on; a shirtless Lee was enough to deal with.

An hour and a half later, they were both ready to go. Amanda fixed them a quick breakfast and packed some sandwiches for the drive. After packing the 'Vette, they locked up the cabin and headed home.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Lee glanced over at Amanda. As on the way up to the cabin, she was once again silent and pensive. He had tried to take her hand in his, but she had deftly pulled it away and placed it in her own lap. He sighed, returning his eyes to the road. Now that their three days were up, Lee didn't feel all that much closer to a resolution.

Waking up in bed with Amanda had been incredible. He had been dreaming of making love to her. His entire body had developed a mind of its own and he was glad that he hadn't reached under her nightgown. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. What was he going to do? He needed Amanda in his life. Not just as a friend or partner, but as his lover, his wife. If she refused him, he didn't think he would ever find happiness and satisfaction with any other woman. He had to get through to her somehow.

"Penny for your thoughts," he said nervously, looking toward her again.

She sighed softly, glancing at him quickly and then away again. "Oh… I'm just thinking about what I need to do when I get home before going back to work tomorrow," she replied distractedly.

"Is that all?" he asked, disappointed. Wasn't she thinking about them at all?

Amanda nodded. "Pretty much," she said vaguely. "I mean, Lee, what can I say? I've thought about us for the last few days and I keep hitting the same brick wall. I'm sorry, but that's all I can say… right now. I'm trying not to think about it anymore. I promise that I'm still… working it out."

"Fair enough," he said, though her words made his heart ache. "What about work?"

She sighed again, gesturing vaguely with one hand. "What about it?"

"Are you going to talk to Billy, or…" He let the question hang in the air. She must be aware of what he wanted to know.

"No, I'm not going to say anything," she replied softly. "At least not right now. I don't really want to work with anyone but you… I've missed being with you on cases. We work well together. I don't really have a… a connection with anyone else."

He nodded. He didn't want to work with anyone else, either, but if she didn't take him back into her life, could he simply remain on the outskirts? Could he work with her but not hold her, kiss her? It was a tough prospect. True, he wanted to be near her, but would being near her be possible if he weren't allowed to touch her?

Amanda started making small talk, commenting on the traffic and weather, and he replied only in monosyllables and noncommittal sounds. Now it was his turn to be quiet and introspective as he contemplated a life without her.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Amanda tossed and turned, unable to sleep. She had had dinner at Lee's apartment but it hadn't gone too well. Part of her was ready to forgive and forget, but another part just wasn't ready to let go of the hurt and confusion she had suffered during Lee's absence. Intellectually she knew she should, but she still wondered if he would do it again, possibly even after they were married. She just didn't think she could take it if he ever left her again.

It had been a week since their time at the cabin, and while she had definitely warmed to him during that time, now that they were back, the old doubts were plaguing her again. She hadn't spoken to Mr. Melrose about not working with Lee any more… in truth she really didn't want to work with anyone else. Even if she and Lee didn't get back together, she still wanted to be his partner. Lee, on the other hand, felt differently, and that had been the crux of their disagreement at his apartment.

They had argued heatedly. She suspected Lee was trying to push her into a complete reconciliation by saying that if they didn't get back together, he couldn't work with her any more. She knew this because he had already said he wanted to be around to protect her, but he had stood his ground. She had become angry and said he was being childish, and the argument had escalated from there.

Amanda sat up in bed, frustrated. She looked at the clock, noting that it was after three. If she didn't get to sleep, she would be useless at work tomorrow. Turning on the light, she picked up a book and read for about an hour, until she finally felt her eyes growing heavy. She fell asleep at about five, and when the alarm went off at six, she reached over and hit the 'off' button in her sleep. She didn't wake up until the phone rang at nine-thirty.

"Amanda," her mother's concerned voice said. "Are you awake, dear? I figured you woke up sick, since you weren't up this morning. I got the boys off to school, and I'm at the market now. Can you think of anything we need that wasn't on the list?"

"Oh, my gosh," Amanda muttered, looking at the clock. "I'm not sick, I must have overslept! I was supposed to be at work by eight! No, I can't think of anything we need, Mother. I have to go so I can get ready!"

"Okay, sorry, darling," her mother said.

Amanda hung up after saying goodbye and rushed in to take a speedy shower. An hour later, when she was nearly ready to leave, the phone rang again. It was the Agency; she was to wait to be put through to Mr. Melrose.

"Amanda," her boss's strained voice came over the line.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," she said hurriedly, assuming that was why he was calling. "I overslept, but I'm almost ready to leave now. I'm sorry I didn't call; I just thought I should hurry and get ready. Tell Lee I'll be there in time to go to the meet with him," she said, referring to the case they were currently working. Lee was meeting with a snitch at eleven-thirty.

"Amanda," Billy cut in. "Calm down. Now listen. Get in here as soon as you can. Lee's source called and upped the meeting time to ten. Since you weren't here yet, he took Fielder with him. I just got a call from Fred, and… well, it was a bad connection, but what I got from it was that there was an explosion. He didn't know where Lee was; Lee had told him to wait in the car as his snitch insisted on seeing Lee alone."

"What?" Amanda said dumbly into the phone. "An explosion? Where?"

"Never mind," Billy said firmly. "Just get in here. There's already a backup contingent there; they should be contacting me any minute."

Amanda agreed, feeling sick to her stomach. It was a good thing she hadn't eaten breakfast yet. An explosion… and she hadn't been with him. What if he were dead? Why wouldn't Fred have known for sure if Lee made it out or not? She blinked back tears, telling herself not to panic.

Hurrying downstairs, she grabbed her purse and keys and rushed outside to her car. If something bad had happened to Lee, she would never forgive herself. If he died thinking she didn't love him and never wanted to be with him again… Suddenly all her resistance melted away. He loved her. He still wanted to marry her. She loved him, and couldn't imagine life without him. How could she have denied him at all? How could there have been any doubt in her mind that they belonged together?

Unfortunately, this epiphany might have come too late. Focusing on driving safely, Amanda hurried into D.C., hoping against all hope that it wasn't too late for her and Lee.


	8. Chapter 8

Lee ached all over

Lee ached all over. Carefully, he stood up and looked around. The entire building was gone and in its place was an enormous black cloud, smoke still billowing from steel beams and equipment. He'd been lucky to get out alive, not to mentionSid, who had been tied to a pillar when Lee found him. It had taken Lee five minutes to locate the snitch, and when he did, the man was frantic.

"Sid! What the hell's going on?" Lee had asked.

"Scarecrow, hurry!" Sid had been wild with fear. "There's a bomb! It's a trap!"

"What?" Lee had demanded. But then he had heard the ticking. Finding an explosive device hidden in the drawer of an old desk, he had felt his heart speed up. It was counting down; there were only four minutes left. It was impossible to move; the thing was duct-taped into the drawer, and the drawer was attached to the desk on a metal track. Removing it and throwing it away from the building was out of the question.

Knowing there was no way he had enough time to disarm the device, Lee hurried over to Sid and quickly untied him, and the two raced for the nearest exit, which thankfully wasn't bolted shut and opened easily from the inside. As soon as they were a few feet away from the building, they were thrown several yards from the force of the explosion.

Standing cautiously, Lee looked around and saw Sid lying on his back several yards away. He hurried over to the snitch, who assured Lee he was all right, thanking him for getting him untied. Lee nodded, helping him to his feet, and looked around but didn't see Fielder anywhere. He had better have stayed in the car. If he had come into the building, he didn't stand a chance.

That thought brought Amanda to Lee's mind. Had she been along, she might have sensed something was wrong and come into the building looking for him. He could have lost her. The knowledge sent a chill down his spine. No matter why she hadn't shown up for work that morning; he was grateful she hadn't. In fact, he ought to be grateful she was alive, period. He would tell her the next time he saw her that he understood her feelings and would stop pressuring her. If she wanted to simply work together and go no further, he would respect her wishes.

Thinking of her, though, gave him pause. She hadn't shown up for work. He had assumed that it was due to her feeling awkward about their argument the previous night, but now he wasn't so sure. It simply wasn't _like_ Amanda to not report for workwithout calling. He had to get back to the Agency to see if she were there. If not, he had to find her, just to assure himself that she was safe.

Thus resolved, he and Sid headed for the front of the building to find Fielder and hopefully a backup team to deal with the aftermath of the explosion. All he wanted to do was go back to the Agency, write up his report, find Amanda, and then go home for a very long nap. His entire body was stiff and sore, but nothing was bleeding or broken. Most of the damage had been done to his suit, however, a fact that galled Lee; it had been his favorite one. Now, it hung in smoke-stained tatters. His shoes were ruined too, he noted grimly.

"Scarecrow!" Fielder called in relief. "You made it out," he said, hurrying to Lee's side and offering his shoulder. "The backup team's on the way. Are you hurt?"

"Just bruised and battered," he replied. "I'll live. So will Sid," he added, casting a weary grin at the snitch.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Amanda paced the floor of the Q-Bureau, wondering what was going on. She had no idea where Lee's meet had been set up, and since arriving here an hour ago, she had heard nothing. Mr. Melrose had ended up leaving with the back-up team; he was gone before she had arrived, as was Francine. Amanda doubted anyone but the two of them would think to tell her if anything had happened to Lee. All she could do was wait until one or both of them returned.

Ever since hearing the news, Amanda had done nothing but hope and pray that Lee was all right. If he wasn't, she would never be able to get over what she had done to him. She knew now that life was just too uncertain. It was stupid to hang on to a grudge. Lee had apologized up and down and right and left, and she had continued to hold him at arm's length.

"Please, let him be okay," she muttered. "Please, please. Let him be okay."

The phone on her desk stubbornly refused to ring. Every time she called downstairs, she was told there was no word on Scarecrow. Of course, who would the team call but Mr. Melrose, and he had gone to the explosion site himself. If only he had waited until she got there, Amanda could have gone with him. Then again, if Mr. Melrose suspected or had had it confirmed that Lee was injured, or worse, it would be like him to want to spare Amanda from seeing Lee like that.

Her heart pounded in her chest as she imagined all of the horrible possibilities. Where was their bond now, she wondered bitterly. She felt as if she should be able to at least sense if he was alive. Then again, she knew it didn't work that way; she didn't _always _know what was happening with Lee, just as he didn't always know what was happening with her. Surely if he had _known_ exactly how distraught his leaving had made her, he would have come home sooner.

At last, Amanda couldn't take the inactivity any longer. She had to _do_ something. She made one last call downstairs and was told again that there'd been no report. Picking up her things, she went downstairs and turned her badge in to Mrs. Marsten and headed out to her car.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Lee sat on the exam table in Dr. Kelford's office, annoyed that Billy had insisted he be checked out first thing. He was exhausted and sore; that was all that was wrong with him. What he needed was to find Amanda, then head home for a shower and his bed.

"Come on, Doc," Lee complained. "I'm fine. I was thrown a few yards, is all. I've suffered worse plenty of times."

"Just a few more tests, Scarecrow," the doctor replied, unperturbed by Lee's attitude. "Where's Mrs. King? Isn't she the one who usually drags you down here?"

Lee frowned, reluctant to clue the doctor in on his concern over Amanda. There was enough speculation and gossip going around the Agency about the two of them as it was. "She's out today," he said vaguely. "Billy dragged me down here this time."

The doctor nodded and continued his exam. Finally, twenty minutes later, he released Lee, saying, "Looks like you could use a shower and a nap, my friend."

Rolling his eyes, Lee replied sardonically, "Which is exactly what I said when I was forced down here. I could have been home asleep by now. But now I have to go and get debriefed."

"How you suffer," Kelford joked, shooing Lee out of his office.

Lee shot the doctor a look as he finished putting on his tattered clothing. Hurrying upstairs, he barely got through his debriefing, being more impatient than ever. Something was telling him to hurry, though he couldn't imagine what it was other than his own fatigue and sore, aching muscles. Finally it was finished, and after a few quick words with Billy, he headed for the Q-Bureau in search of Amanda. Not finding her there, he placed a call to her house, but no one answered. He resolved to stop by her house anyway on his way home.

_**SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK**_

Amanda walked around Lee's apartment, touching things and generally trying to get a sense of whether he was all right or not. She nearly went back to the Agency, but had called there a couple more times and gotten the same negative response, the operator having grown weary of her calls.

She hoped that if something had happened, Mr. Melrose might think to call here. The man wasn't blind; he knew how she felt about Lee. If he looked for her at the Agency and called her home and didn't find her, he would surely try here. At least, that's what she hoped. The bottom line was that if something had happened to Lee, she didn't want to be at work where she would be watched and pitied, and where people would speculate on just what her relationship to Lee had been. Nor did she want to be at home, where she might have to explain to her mother why she was so profoundly upset over the death of a co-worker.

So she stayed in Lee's apartment, glancing at the clock and the phone alternately, willing time to speed up to end the suspense and willing the phone to ring with news. She moved into Lee's bedroom and found the ring box, still where she had left it. Apparently Lee hadn't given up on her completely, or at least she hoped not. If he had, she would just have to beg for his forgiveness this time. If he were still around to grant it, that was.

Amanda sat down on the edge of Lee's bed, repeating her mantra over and over: "Please let him be okay." She stayed there for quite some time, until she grew tired of inactivity. In the living room, she called home, asking her mother if any calls had come in for her.

"Oh, yes," Dotty said, her voice enthusiastic. "Alan called for you."

She nearly fell to the ground in disappointment. "Oh, okay. Thank you, Mother. I'm… I'm not sure what time I'll be home. I may end up working late."

"Well, just keep me posted, darling," Dotty replied and then added, "and darling, call Alan. I think he misses you. I don't know why you would let a perfectly good man like him go. You know, it's not like you have any other prospects lined up."

"Mother, please," she sighed into the phone.

Dotty went on for ten more minutes, expounding the virtues of Alan Chamberlain, repeating yet again what a catch he was because, among other assets, he had his own hair. Amanda nodded, barely responding, thinking all the while that both her house phone and Lee's phone were tied up. How could she get word if both phones were busy?

Finally she was able to convince her mother to let her go. She hung up quickly, almost before Dotty said goodbye, and stared at the phone. It didn't ring. She debated calling the Agency again. She wondered if she should just go back there, or drive around some likely spots. The problem was, even if she found the meet location, no one would be there still, unless it were members of the clean-up and evidence teams, and usually they weren't apprised of what had transpired. Besides, the chances of her happening upon it were slim to none.

Feeling frustrated and helpless, Amanda went into Lee's kitchen and started scrubbing the countertops. She rolled up her sleeves and pulled out cleaning supplies. When she had finished with the countertops, she went to work on his refrigerator, throwing away cartons of four day old Chinese food and a stale slice of pizza. Amanda finished in the kitchen and then turned out the light, heading back into the living room.

She stopped cold as the front door began to open. She wondered if she had forgotten to lock it. Her instincts kicking in, she hid in the hallway to watch the intruder, glancing around for something she could use as a weapon. Remembering that Lee kept a baseball bat behind his bedroom door, she retrieved it and crept back to her vantage point.

Looking around the corner, she froze again, unable to believe her eyes. Lee stood there, staring in bewilderment at her purse and keys on the entryway table. He was a mess. His suit pants and jacket were shredded, his shirt and tie dirty and torn to bits. His face had smears of black soot, although it was apparent he had tried to clean himself up.

His eyes shifted to her and widened, as if he couldn't believe she was there. "Amanda, what—" he began, but got no further.

A strangled gasp escaped her throat as she dropped the bat to the ground and rushed over to him. She flung herself at him, barely registering the 'oomph' that escaped his lips. She was sobbing in relief, heedless of the fact that he was mostly likely injured in some way. He put his arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"You're alive," she rasped, her throat thick with tears. "Oh, my gosh, Lee, you're alive! I was so afraid… I thought I'd lost you!"

"I'm fine," he said, confusion in his voice. "I'm fine, Amanda. I was worried about you – you didn't show up for work this morning, and I stopped by your house, but you weren't there."

Amanda continued to cry, grateful that he was really here, in her arms. She felt the words bubbling up and was unable to stop herself explaining through her sobs. "I overslept, and by the time I got there, you were already gone. I knew there had been an explosion but I didn't know if you made it out or not. I was here, waiting… Nobody called. Mr. Melrose didn't tell me where you were; just that there'd been an explosion. I imagined the worst. Oh, Lee, I'm so sorry!"

He held her tighter, stroking her back. "Hey, it's okay, all right? Don't cry," he said soothingly, continuing to move his hands reassuringly over her. "There's nothing to be sorry for, this isn't your fault."

She nodded, momentarily unable to speak as a new wave of emotion swept over her. He didn't understand, couldn't know why she was saying she was sorry, but the words stuck in her throat. Her tears didn't seem to have an end as she clung to him, holding him as close as she possibly could.

"Am I hurting you?" she asked, sniffling as she pulled away slightly.

He gave her a crooked, pained smile. "I hurt everywhere," he said. "But holding you helps. I was worried about you, too." Gathering her close again, he kept her in a close hug, but nothing more. She wanted him to kiss her, to reassure her he still wanted her.

"I'm sorry," she said again, and heard him chuckle, still not getting it.

"Stop apologizing, Amanda," he said. "Even if you'd been there, there was nothing you could have done." He pried her off himself finally, patting her arms awkwardly. He looked as though he were uncomfortable with the way she was clinging to him, and why should he feel otherwise? As far as he knew, she was still undecided as to the fate of their relationship.

Frowning, she said, "What's wrong?"

"I, uh, I need to shower and change," he said, averting his eyes. "I've been in these clothes all day, and I'm a mess. I feel all grimy and I'm sore everywhere. But… if you want… I mean, will you stay here until I get out?"

Amanda nodded, wiping her eyes. She didn't want to let him go, but she couldn't very well keep him from cleaning up and changing into clean clothes. She backed away from him and watched as he limped down the hall, hissing in pain a time or two.

Amanda sat on the couch, impatient for Lee to return. She listened as he rummaged through drawers and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. She heard the shower start up, and his shower door slide open and closed again. He stayed in the shower an extremely long time, far too long for her taste. She needed to hold him again, to assure herself that he was alive, if not completely unharmed.

Finally she heard him emerge from his bedroom. Glancing at him, she saw him standing there in faded blue jeans and a white T-shirt, barefoot and hair still wet, slicked back.

He looked exhausted. "Amanda, you can go on home now," he said nervously. "I shouldn't have asked you to stay. I'm fine. Just bruised and battered. It's nothing serious. Nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. You should go on home to your family."

"I don't want to go yet," she blurted out.

Lee licked his lips. "Why?"

She approached him, standing as close as possible. Reaching up, she ran a hand over his freshly shaven face. He smelled like lime and spices, and she lifted herself up on tiptoe to inhale his scent, her face in his neck. She felt him stiffen, but he didn't back away. Placing her hands at his sides, she kissed the base of his throat and heard him exhale roughly.

"That's why," she replied softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Amanda," he said, a pleading tone in his voice. "Don't do that unless you mean it. I can't take it. Not now."

She kissed him again, her tongue darting out to taste him, teasing the hollow of his throat. "I do mean it."

"I…" he began nervously, clearing his throat. "Don't do this because you feel guilty for not being with me today, or because you feel sorry for me."

Amanda shook her head, her hands moving up to cup his face. "I'm not." Without another word, she pulled his face down to meet hers, brushing her lips against his. She heard him groan. She gently pushed him so that his back was to the wall. Pressing herself against him, she continued kissing him, even though she could feel his continued resistance and confusion. She who was never at a loss for words was finding it easier to show him how she felt rather than tell him.

Her body was trembling as she ran her hands over his torso, feeling the muscles ripple beneath her touch. She moved her mouth away from his, hearing his ragged breath as she kissed his neck and jaw fervently. He had leaned his head back against the wall; his hands were resting at her sides, pulling her closer.

"Amanda, please…" he ground out. "What are you doing to me?"

She stopped suddenly. "Am I hurting you?"

"No," he said huskily.

"Good." She continued her assault, but he grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him. "What?" she asked, noting that his eyes were darkened to nearly black.

"I don't understand," he said simply. "Why are you doing this? I thought things were… I thought you'd made your decision. I don't understand," he said again, his tone pleading.

Amanda sighed. Usually it was she who wanted to talk. "Because I thought I had lost you, Lee. I realized how stupid it is to let what happened keep us apart. I just… I don't want to waste any more time apart from you. I… I love you. I never stopped loving you. I love you so much, Lee. Please forgive me."

Understanding, then joy, dawned in his eyes. Encircling her in his arms, Lee reversed their positions, pinning her against the wall. She welcomed his kisses, his hands moving over her in an almost frenzied manner. He kissed her everywhere – her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, her jaw, her neck and collar bone. His lips were insistent and demanding, reclaiming her in a determined yet gentle way.

"I love you," he growled. "Say you're mine."

"I'm yours," she agreed. "I love you too."

Amanda tightened her hold on him, but he winced and gave her a regretful smile. "Ouch," he said softly.

She released him immediately, concerned. "Oh, Lee, I'm sorry," she said, kissing him tenderly on the cheek. "Did you take some aspirin?"

"Yeah," he said, taking her hand and lacing her fingers through his. "But I haven't eaten all day. I think maybe I should have something. I'm sorry. I don't want to spoil the moment, but I'm starving."

Amanda grinned. "That's okay. Why don't you rest while I go fix you something."

"Thanks," he said gratefully. "But Amanda?"

"Hmm?" she said, turning back to look at him.

He gave her a sheepish look. "Can we take a rain check on that other thing we were starting?"

"I'm going to hold you to it," she teased lightly.

_**Two weeks later…**_

Amanda unloaded the bags from the back of her car and carried them into the house. Mother and the boys were out of town visiting Aunt Lillian for the weekend. She needed some yard work done, and had promised to pay both of the boys for their help. Dotty had heard what Lillian _wasn't_ saying, that she also needed help around the house, and so all three had set off on Friday. Amanda had felt pressured to go, but in the end found a reason to stay home.

She glanced at the clock as she came in the door, noting the time. Lee would be there in a couple of hours; they were having a romantic, candlelit dinner at home, and then Amanda was going to make good on the rain check she'd promised Lee. He had been off work a week, but now he was feeling back to normal. Their relationship, working and personal, had bounced back with amazing tenacity, and Amanda hadn't been so happy in months.

After putting the groceries away, she headed upstairs to put away her other purchases, a new blouse and slacks she intended to wear for her dinner with Lee. She moved over to her dresser and stopped suddenly when she spotted the little box sitting right in the middle. Smiling, she picked it up and opened it, seeing her engagement ring sparkle at her from the black velvet. Instantly, she knew that Lee was lurking about somewhere close by.

Moving over to her bedroom window, she pushed the curtains aside and looked down into the side yard.Lee stood there, staring up at her, holding a bouquet of red roses. She grinned at him, clasping the ring box to her breast. Motioning to him, she saw him grin and nod, and start walking across her yard.

Amanda hurried downstairs and over to the front door, where she knew Lee would be waiting. Pulling it open, she wordlessly stood aside to let him in. Once he was inside, she closed the door and he handed her the roses.

"Thank you," she said. "They're lovely."

"Not as lovely as you," he countered, reaching for her hand.

She smiled at him as she started for the kitchen, saying, "I'll just get a vase for these. They'll brighten our table tonight, along with the candles."

"Wait, Amanda," Lee said huskily, grasping her hand to pull her back. "First things first."

She looked at him in confusion as he took the roses out of her hand and laid them on the hall table, then took the ring box out of her other hand. He opened it, removing the engagement ring and pocketing the box.

Taking her hand in his, he smiled and looked into her eyes. "Amanda King, you are the best, the bravest, the smartest, the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Will you marry me?"

Tears welling up in her eyes, she smiled back and said, "Oh, yeah, I'll marry you. We're the luckiest two people on the face of the earth."

Lee grinned at her words as he slipped the ring onto her finger and looked into her eyes. She smiled at him again, her heart pounding against her chest. Lee moved closer, wrapping his arms around her.

"I love you," he said simply.

Breathless, she said, "I love you, too, Lee."

Grinning, Lee stroked her cheek softly and then tilted her head up slightly, moving in for a kiss. Amanda wrapped her arms around him, returning his kiss. Each of them lost in thought, knowing they were where they belonged – not oceans apart in any sense, but in one another's arms. The roses and dinner forgotten, they clung together as they made up for lost time.

The End


End file.
